Today Is Di's Day

Today we place another tick on the calendar, another date we etch into our memory and give thanks, share love and hugs and tears with those that all hold a common bond of love for Di.

We all loved Di so much and after months the time has come to bid the final farewell to Di.

Words and song and praise bring us full circle at the place that Jerome and the kids picked specially for such a special woman, wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend.

I knew the day would be hard but I didn't imagine that I could stand next to the area that was chosen for Di and look up the hill and see Lullaby Land; so close to where I stood 35 years ago as a child and bid farewell to my only sister. 

Time and fate and chance and destiny and coincidence all play a role in our lives and I think they all intersected today in this one place at this one time while we were performing this one important and poignant act. 

The formality of Di's funeral was epic and the interment was informal and blessed with words and holy water, heartfelt thoughts, prayers and song by Jerome and Em. 

I read a short set of words that I put together this morning and even with my sometimes overpowering and loud voice, I found my voice cracking and low while the tears welled in my eyes.  It was hard but I needed to say these things.  I did not speak at her funeral; I think I was still too raw and very intimidated by the enormous amount of people in attendance and I just didn't know what I would say; how I would say something...anything...without fumbling over my words.

The words that I spoke at the interment were:

As I drank my first cup of coffee today, I thought of Di, just like I do every day. She is in my thoughts, in my actions and in my heart always. Di found a place in each and every one of our hearts and she will remain there as long as we never forget to laugh and enjoy the memories of the past while we move forward and live our lives just as she would have wanted us all to do. All the love that Di created is still here with us all and it is comforting for me to know that she made such an indelible impact on so many people in the short time that she shared her love and her life with all of us.

Today is Di’s day.

We take time out of our busy schedules, our confusing lives and all of the demands that we have to acknowledge that for all of those years after Di’s diagnosis she made time everyday and in every way for each and every one of us.

Of course Di probably would have said something like this is not the party that she had planned but I’m sure that she’s been dancing her toes off in heaven and there has been many times that God has told her that she has to let Him talk sometimes too. Today marks the day that there is finally another place in our world for Di; a place for us to all remember, recollect and share our thoughts our dreams and our memories privately and personally.

A quote from one of Di’s favorite places, StoryPeople that I found that exemplifies my feelings is:

I carry you with me into the world,

into the smell of rain

and the words that dance between people

and for me, it will always be this way,

walking in the light,

remembering being alive together.

The importance of people in our lives over the years and the impact that they have caused the day that they crashed into our lives and changed them forever is something that we should never forget.

I will never forget Di.

I believe that I can finally let my heart whisper....Godspeed Di.

But I still miss her and still grieve the loss and I still cry everyday.

Good Days and Bad Days and THE DATE

Everyday I miss Di.
I have good days and I have bad days and I have very bad days.

Some days it's the physical trials and tribulations that stop me like a deer in the road and make me shudder.  It can make me stop in my tracks, and it takes my breath away and I feel like I'm hyperventilating as the tears well up in my eyes and my heart feels like it's beating a million miles an hour or more.

This doesn't happen all the time but it happens. 

It doesn't happen as much as it used to but it still happens nonetheless. 

But, the pain of loss is not related to only the physical type; it's also the mental anguish of the loss and the burden of the loss on our psyche.  The utilization of  subjective emotional experience when looking at death and the traumatic upheaveal of it forces us to delve into arenas in our brain that sometimes are unequipped or unable to cope. 

Mentally, I have 'triggers' that knock me back and I find that it happens often times when I look at the calendar no matter where it's at - home, work, my computer, my scheduler; anything that has a calendar on it takes my mind back to THE DATE.  The mental emotional draw of losing Di is a constant blip on my radar.  

It's hard to go through life without a calendar; we are all so reliant on dates.
Can you live your life in hours and not dates and still function correctly and fully?  

The reason I felt compelled to write about this is because I don't think that people talk about grief and loss enough.  Maybe people are ashamed to cry in front of others, in public.  Maybe this is why grief is confined to the dark places in our lives and people don't show their sadness outwardly as often as they should.  The saying "wearing your heart on your sleeve" is a very powerful one and I think it's abused more than it's used.  People grieve for years, for decades and for their entire lives.   

You never stop missing someone that you really loved.  Someone who made you feel good with just a look or a smile is so very powerful and important.  How many people in your life do you really cherish you and how much will you hurt when they are gone?  Think about it.  It's integral to our psyche that we 'have' those people in our lives that make what we're doing worth it all. 
I will always grieve this loss.  But, I am blessed to have Di's loss to grieve because having this loss means that all those moments, those years, those 'things', those hugs, those talks, those questions and those answers were all worth it for me.
The poet, Alice Walker has a book entitled Absolute Trust in the Goodness of the Earth: New Poems and in it she writes about how the powers of love and acceptance within grief are the same "As Gold".  It's true. 

Life and loss is Gold, it's a treasure, it's a prize, it's something that we should never take for granted and we should clench it tight in our grips and know that we are the lucky ones who have the power to hold this "gold" when we experience loss.

This is written on the cusp of Di's interment service. 
We will all finally have a "place" and Di will have another "place".
Amen.
Cathy

9 MONTH TAB IN TIME...August 15, 2010

The total number of days between Sunday, November 15th, 2009 and Sunday, August 15th, 2010 is 273 days.
This is equal to exactly 9 months.

The total time span from 2009-11-15 to 2010-08-15 is 6,552 hours.

This is equivalent to 393,120 minutes.

I miss her so very much.
We all miss her so very much.
Time has a way of passing by quickly and in my haste, I lost track of time and did not post this on
8-15-2010, as I had intended.

A smile for Di, a hug for Di, a kiss to the heavens for my girl. 

Love you much and only wish time was not our enemy most days...

Painful Haircut

A haircut should not be painful but for me, it's a painstaking process.
For so many years, Di cut my hair; she was my "hair girl" and that bond that we had was special and priceless and important in every aspect of every facet of it.  She tested on me, changed my color several times, changed the style and actually took me from very long hair to below my shoulder with a lot of resistance from me and even talked me into being a 'willing' participant in a hair show many years ago.

The only time that I can remember being upset with Di over all the years that I was proud to call her my friend was the one time that she cut over 10 inches off my hair and colored it very dark.  I sort of freaked out when I saw it and promptly left the salon to go home.  After I was home, I realized how stupid I was in acting child-like when I thought I saw someone different in the mirror than what I was used to.  So, I put myself together, flew to Di's and found her and Jerome in the basement hanging out; Jerome was playing guitar and he and Di were smoking cigs and talking.  I immediately hugged her and told her that I was so sorry that I acted like a child and that the change that she had set forth for me literally shocked me.  She understood.  She forgave me.  She always understood.  Then we laughed about how dumb I acted and we drank some coffee and hung out until the wee hours of the morning.  Those were the days.  No 'real' cares in the world, hanging out with music and good friends.  Oh how I miss those days....

I finally brought myself to go and visit my 'new' hair girl yesterday. 
It had been a little less than 9 months since I was last there and that was a very difficult time.
Back in 2007, I had to find a 'new' hair girl because I could see that it was really tiring Di out when she had to cut and color my hair and I just did not want to push her anymore.  That was very hard.  I know that it really hurt Di too.  It hurt her that she could no longer do this for me.  I told her I understood.  She knew that I understood and together we both mourned the loss but knew that it was for the best. 
For a girl, your hair girl is your woman that you count on to make you beautiful, talk to about virtually anything and everything and be the one that you can count on to tell you if you look horrible or beautiful; she is the holder of the golden scissors; the God of Hair; that was Di. 


9 months ago I called and made an appointment to get my hair 'done' for Di's funeral.
I think I just sat in the chair and cried the entire time; I didn't even watch it being cut; I just wanted it short - like Di would have liked it.  When I was done, my hair girl would not let me pay her, she said it was on her, she wanted me to look good for Di.  I think her heart was broken too since I had shared so much of Di with her over the past 3 years.  The first thing that would come out of her mouth after I would show up for an appointment would be "How's Di?"  And then we would chat about her for a bit and I'd tell her latest and then we would move on to other girl talk items.

8-9-10

Today marks the birthday of my sister, Nancy. 

It has been 35 years since she passed away.

I have fond memories of Nancy that take me back to when I was young.

Music was an integral part of Di's life and I remember Nancy and how much she loved her music.  I can still see her holding her arms up high in praise in the front pew of the church singing Jesus Loves Me at the top of her lungs.  What magnificience my parents missed out on.  They never went to Sunday services; it was me that escorted Nancy to services at our church two blocks from our house.  A yellow polka dotted sundress adorned with three cherries embroidered on the hem was her favorite "Sunday" dress.  She wore those little socks with lace on them and her polished shiny white mary janes. And when she was feeling good, she'd skip ahead of me and I sometimes would hear her heels as they clicked against the pavement and in between the clicks you could hear her humming as her little purse swung back and forth as it fought to find a stable place on her ever-moving forearm as her sun hat bobbed up and down.  When she was not feeling the best, she would still insist on going to church.  She had that drive like Di, that perserverence that could not keep her down.

Di and Nancy would have gotten along fancifully; in fact, I probably would have been the third wheel if they would have ever met.  But, time and place and people and life pave our paths and if my life was nill of Nancy's death, I'm sure that things would have been very different in my life and of course in hers.

Today I celebrate Nancy's Birthday and the joy that she brought to me during her short 7 years here.

I'm sure she's singing to everyone and her bright blue eyes light up every time she giggles with God.

Nancy.
A life.
A sister.
A daughter.
Missed dearly.
Missed memories.
Missed sister bonds over a lifetime.

It has been many years since I lost my sister. Time has passed, memories fade but still remain etched in my brain. "Our Little Sunshine" shines on her headstone. A life cut short too soon. Left-handed wonder with a purple crayon that wrote from the right side of the page to the left side of the page. Amazing talent. Amazing grace. Amazing stamina. Amazing strength. Amazing faith.

Here's to knowing that there are two special angels up there watching over me each and every day...

Landscape of The Heart...

It is still so new & all we see is the empty space, but that is not how it is in the landscape of the heart. There, there is no empty space & she still laughs & grapples with ideas & plans & nods wisely with each of us in turn. We are proud to have known her. We are proud to have called her friend.

First Sunday In August - Friendship Day

The United States Congress, in 1935, proclaimed first Sunday of August as the National Friendship Day. Since then, celebration of National Friendship Day became an annual event. The noble idea of honoring the beautiful relationship of friendship caught on with the people and soon Friendship Day became a hugely popular festival.

Friends are important, they keep us keeping on, they share, they listen, they laugh, they cry and they are the ones that we turn to under any and all circumstances and they keep us grounded. I don't think that friends really know their importance in our lives until we lose them either by unforseen circumstances or lose connection with them over time. 

Di was one of my closest and dearest friends and there are days that I wish to hear her voice and want to call her and emotionally sometimes it's hard to fathom that she is really no longer there for me and for her other friends that counted on her for so very much. 

I honor this day with the memory of my good friend, Di.

One quote that caught my attention was:

" Two may talk together under the same roof for many years, yet never really meet; and two others at first speech are old friends. "     - Mary Catherwood

                                                                                                                    

The GLAM

One of the things that Di was known for, loved and immersed herself in was fashion.  She was the queen of the scissors, the style, the encylopedia of the do's and dont's when it came to the latest trend. 
I absolutely LOVE this photo of Di.  Isn't she the glam of glam?  The total 80's cutting-edge wanna-have-that-look-can-you-give-me-that-look.......

Di, you were a trendsetter.......

Kindred Spirits

Living, Loving, Experiencing, Knowing, Caring...It is a Determined Destiny

It’s all about that; being and knowing and accepting and willing to bring yourself to know and understand that among the chaos that is life you know what’s real and genuine and honest and you can read between the lines and pick the weeds out of your garden of life and keep those beautiful flowers sheltered from the elements....

Knowing who is important rather than what is important is integral to living a whole life. I’m thinking that I’m not there yet; but I had a great start and a great pal through the many years I had been given to spend with Di. I lost my kindred spirit; we all lost a kindred spirit that day in November...

Storypeople.com

According to the 'Urban Dictionary'  kindred spirits are defined as:

Two people that make a special connection by sharing a bond that

has joined them by the means of an experience that has drawn

them together on a higher level of consciousness. This connection

can be from the same experience at the same time or two separate

experiences similar in nature.

Other examples of kindred spirits can be:

      If two people were in a dramatic situation and had to depend on each other in order to get out of the situation or one had to help rescue the other, they would become bonded as kindred spirits. Or two people will meet for the first time or again and a bond is formed through an understanding of what the other had been through and with this, they have become kindred spirits.

 

Another way to look at kindred spirits in my life path with Di is with the soulmate that I have chosen to spend my life with.  Destiny and forthrightness played a huge part in the path that my life took when I met Ken.

There is a quote that I’m fond of that I’m sure that Di was found of too because she sent me the email many years ago from the Story People website:

You're the strangest person I ever met, she said; I said you too; so we decided we'd know each other a long time.

This is exactly who, what and why I loved Di so much. She shared and she gave and she always worked so hard to surround herself with people that she loved and who loved her. She made room for kindred spirits in her life. The perfect summation of a perfect friend, a kindred spirit in kind with me and the world. And she would always call me a weirdo for no reason whatsoever; just because she could....

I think alot of people that knew Di felt that kindred spirit vibe, especially those crazy women that created the
Ya Ya's with their vibrant hats, their crazy gatherings and their fanciful laughter and their unconditional love....just for Di.

Smiles

That smile is what I remember the most.

The Calm After The Storm - The Beauty That Surrounds Us

This is the shot I grabbed right as the sun was at it's brightest

The other day, we had a furious storm that blanketed our lives that first began with a violently hot and humid day with temperatures in the high 90's and heat indexes reaching 110 +.
It was a day that started hot, progressed through the day with increasing humidity and then a bang of storms with wind shears of sometimes 70-80 mph and rain and hail.  No tornados, thankfully but sirens blaring announcing the introduction of high winds coupled with heavy rains that lasted for hours among the dark and ominious skies that were lit only by the intense lightning show.
 
When I finally arrived home, the rain had subsided to a calm, steady fine mist, the clouds and dark skies changed quickly to open up and the sun enveloped the world in bright blinding oranges and red hues which provided an amazing view.  I noticed as the sun was welcomed in it brought with it a beautiful rainbow that appeared as a double rainbow and then prominently displayed itself as the magnificent beauty of a single rainbow stream that was able to be viewed from one side to the other.
I quickly ran and grabbed my camera and darted through the rain soaked grass to grab a few shots of the wonderment of nature and all that it gives us each and every day.  The rainbow was so large and view was just a speck of the rainbow but I managed to get some good shots.

This was taken after the sun calmed and left the beauty of a magnificent rainbow, nature's bounty at it's finest

When I see rainbows, I think about Di. 
There is not much these days that doesn't reminid me of her though...
My life will never be the same and the bad days seem to be very bad and the good days are good, but it's hard sometimes to pull the 'really good' out of those good days. 

Of all the years that we drove together to classes, sat in parking lots waiting for parking spaces and wandered the campus together, the Arts Building was one of our favorites.  One semester, a class was doing advanced printmaking and one student did an entire collection on rainbows.  Di loved that collection, her eyes lit up and she had that crazy little giggle as we looked over the collection. 

A few weeks later, we were sitting in my car, waiting again for a parking space in the lot and there had been a tremendous thunderstorm and as the storm cleared, a rainbow appeared.  Di and I always talked and sometimes we had crazy conversations about many silly things.  We started talking about the pot 'o gold that might be at the end of that particular rainbow (we could only see one part of it), and I told her that I would give anything up to go and fetch that pot 'o gold for her and she told me that I'd have to keep half of it....always Di, always thinking of others, always offering her little 'piece of the pie' and her part of the pot 'o gold to someone else.

A rainbow for Di; even though I'm sure that she has already found that pot 'o gold and she has already shared it with everyone she has met.........along with that crazy little giggle and her big smile.

Post Freedom Day

I have memories of all of the holidays that bring me back to Di.

The Fourth of July is one of those memorable holidays for me with Di and her family. 

Many years ago Di invited me to come with her and Jerome and the kids to her brother's house in Keystone to celebrate the 4th.  It was the first time in a very long time that I had been among so many people who were related and loved being a family. 

When I was younger, we used to make monthly trips to see family and on holidays when the entire gang got together and it was a bustle of people and faces and loudness. Over the years  those trips stopped and I became accustomed to small gatherings with friends.

 On that July 4th day, I was introduced to all of Di's family including her crazy brothers who taunted me and teased me. It was an overwhelming day, but it was a good day. I was officially introduced to Di's side of the family with a "bang" on the 4th.

On this post-fouth of July (July 5th), I am remembering, recounting and refreshing my thoughts knowing that the politically correct "version" of the reason for July 4 is our country's independence but in the back of mind I know that Di gained freedom at last and I celebrate that....for Her....and for me.....

I know that somewhere up high in those clouds in one of the twinkling sparkling vibrant  magnificent shows of light and fire on the eve of the 4th Di was smiling at me and I'm sure that I caught a little piece of her when I danced in the light among the stars taking photographs last night....or at least I hope in my heart she was....

Peace.

Love.

Freedom.

A Rant ... A Rave ... A Prayer

“A Prayer”

the difference between a rant and a prayer lies only in the position and delivery

Raising yourself to the skies facing either the biggest laugh

or the only great eye

Hands up and open in surrender or supplication or fisted in the fiercest demand

the voice modulated between a thick strangle and the soft, humble hang time of pleading

Personally, I prefer prayer

It’s not that I know someone is up there

It’s that I can’t bear to think that there’s not

Prayer is the knot at the end of the rope that keeps us from finally falling.

Prayer is the small tug at the end of the robe of a myth that always stands at your shoulder

with it’s comforting color and it’s irritating politics

Prayer is small and tentative and set against the whispering background of hope

and so we pray...

I won’t kneel, that will bring me closer to what defeats me now.

I won’t bow, because I can’t cower in the face of a question

But I can ask and hear my plea flood the air

and take comfort in the fact that I still have the strength to want

I am so tired, cliches about weight aside

the world has nested on my shoulders for a long winter’s nap

my life follows the coldest road, dark and indifferent

and quite happy to roll on without me

And sometimes it seems that I’m the only rider and that rests in me so heavily

I can only sit down and hope for a deep breath

You, who know the true meaning of the word beyond

You, who holds the lives of so many in your strange justice

You, who promise this life will be justified, send some of that folkie old narcotic this way, can’t ya?

And let me stand back a while

I ask for peace

I ask for patience

I ask for health

I ask for beauty

I ask for company

I ask for love

Amen,

Omen,

Whatever...

By Lisa Buscani

Lisa Buscani got her start in Chicago's performance poetry scene and ultimately became a National Poetry Slam Champion as well as a Pushcart Prize nominee. She has published one book of poetry, Jangle (Tia Chucha Press) and has produced three critically and publicly acclaimed solo shows, Carnivale Animale, At That Time, and Solid Citizen.

She has been featured in poetry anthologies such as Alive from the NuYorican Poets Café (Holt) and Word Up (Keyporter Books/EMI). She has appeared on HBO, CNN, PBS, Much Music and NPR. She is currently the executive director of The Poetry Center of Chicago.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u8sGXNJyiWM

A Treasured Pearl

"A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl." --Stephan Hoeller



Cherish all the oysters in your life; they hold the pearls to your happiness...

The Bell Jar - Muse and Wants

Novel The Bell Jar. Published in the early 1960s, shows the book’s bright college-aged protagonist envisions her future life choices — motherhood, career, travel — as plump figs on a tree. She can’t choose among these inviting figs and so she’s paralyzed:
“I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest ...... ...... "
I have always been a reader of Sylvia Plath's works and always find that the insight she had with her words spoke to many in so many different ways. 

This chapter excerpt always reminded me of Di because she always wanted everything and never wanted to just choose one thing.  So, instead, she spread herself all around so that everyone could have a little piece of her.

I still hold that piece of her in my heart and in my soul and will forever and a day beyond...

Cath

World Oceans Day

Today, June 8, 2010 is World Oceans Day.

Recognize the importance of it's sustainability in your everyday life.  

http://news.discovery.com/earth/oceans-day-slide-show.html

Full House Full Hearts

I attended Chloe's graduation party and the house was full and standing room only for most of the afternoon, filled with family and friends wishing good luck and safe travels on the road of life.  Being in the house again, hearing laughter and knowing that this is exactly what Di would have wanted for her last grad made my heart feel full and tempered my soul. 

A poem about loss and the greatness of who the people are that carry on the love of those we have lost was chosen and is reflected and worn proudly by this special grad for today and always.

A spirit that has always from the time she was young paved her own road and made her own choices, chose to keep her mom close with words and a flower; two of the many things that Di loved...her garden of flowers and her fruitful gift of gab...

Gone From My Sight

I am standing upon the seashore.

A ship at my side spreads her white

sails to the morning breeze and starts

for the blue ocean.

She is an object of beauty and strength.

I stand and watch her until at length

she hangs like a speck of white cloud

just where the sea and sky come

to mingle with each other.

Then, someone at my side says;

"There, she is gone!"

"Gone where?"

Gone from my sight. That is all.

She is just as large in mast and hull

and spar as she was when she left my side

and she is just as able to bear her

load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me, not in her.

And just at the moment when someone

at my side says, "There, she is gone!"

There are other eyes watching her coming,

and other voices ready to take up the glad

shout;

"Here she comes!"

And that is dying.

by Henry Van Dyke, a 19th Century clergyman, educator, poet, and religious writer

Poppies are symbolic of eternal life and beauty. 
What a fitting tribute for Di.

The Future and A Very Special Angel

A very special angel is magically and faithfully watching over her family today and placing a special emphasis on her youngest  who celebrates her day of graduation. 

Today marks the end of one segment and the beginning of a brand new phase for Chloe.  What the future brings is unknown to us but what I know is that over the years Di imparted her love, wisdom and grace upon her children to live fully and prosper with kindness, faith and soulfulness. 

Over the years I was in awe at the directions that Di and Jerome taught their children.  There was honesty and openness and always eloquent love. Sometimes it was quiet, hushed or unspoken love and other times it was loud and unrelentless love, but it was always love. It could be counted on.  And it was always there whenever anyone needed a little piece of it.  Always.
The journey of your life Chloe will be rich with the past experiences you have had and fostered with the values and the love that your mother and your family have bestowed upon you for generations to come.

Love you much Chloe

Just wish your mom's wish would have come true and she could be there for this day to make it extra special for her Chloe girl! My heart is with you today and as you move forward with your life remember to keep her memory tucked tightly in your heart and you will never lose your way.

Cath

6 Month Tab In Time...

182.621099 days

without hearing that contagious laugh 

seeing those blue eyes light up

and feeling the warmth of a Di hug.

People say things like "I can't believe that it's been that long already."  "Where has the time gone?" 
Believe me, I can feel every tick on the clock, every day that adds up to another and the quickness of how it all slips by too fast to soak it all up at once.

Time for me moves too quickly, but in relevance, time is a metaphor for a commodity that we all value for many different reasons. Time is limited, can be shared, communicated, rationalized and can be used to set goals and attain success.  Conceptualization of time is a journey of mental formulation within our own pieces, parts, thoughts, hopes, wishes and dreams.

For me, time at this point, is just another tick on the clock, another step back in the past to pull out the memories that I have lodged in my heart and my soul and my brain.The place that I stepped back into over 6 months ago is a a place that I have forever in my memory of the time that we all still had Di and still had the hopes, the wishes and the dreams of a future.  I still haven't stepped out of that place but every once in awhile I put my tippy toes out there and crick my neck to see if I can see what the future holds. Twice I have been to Di's since she left and I can feel both the emptiness and also the love that still exists in the confines of those house walls. 

I never had the chance to tell Di, to thank Di for the time that she invested in our friendship and the love that she afforded me over the years.  She was always there for me, always made time for me even if she had something else on her calendar of the day.  She made the connection of the conceptualization of time and the importance of it for everyone that was touched by her warmth, generosity and beauty of her soul.

For the first time since we lost Di, I dreamt about her last night.
She was smiling at the dining room table, Jerome, Em, Ben and Chloe and me were all there and she looked beautiful.  We were drinking coffee and discussing talking about the upcoming graduation for Chloe.  Di still had her radiant red hair, her beautiful brilliant smile and she was wearing a blue polo shirt and a pair of capri "skinny" jeans.  I asked her what happened since she looked so skinny and she told me that all the hard work has paid off, she finally lost the weight and then she asked me "what happened to you, Cath?  Why have you gained so much weight?"  I could only tell her that I didn't know why but in the back of mind I remember thinking that since I lost Di I've just went in all different directions and just let things "go".  I remember not telling her these things because I didn't want the dream to end because it felt so real being at her house in the yellow dining room sitting around the table soaking in all of the lines of the walls, the colors and vibrant conversations floating above us all.  It all felt so real.  Until I woke up to the sound of the birds chirping outside my window at 5 a.m. and the cats meowing for their breakfast.  Dammitt.

I have often thought about and mentioned signs of Di in my life and hopefully this dream was the first of many signs and thoughts and feelings that will take me through my years.  I think this was a sign in some
non-descript way, because this is the mark in time that cements 6 months since our loss and this is the first time that I have had any dreams with Di in them. 

I love YOU Di.
I miss YOU Di.
Thank YOU Di

I hope that God is allowing you to share your time and joy and love and warm hugs with everyone, I sure could use one today, from you, though.

Cath

Just Chillin'

I can picture Di sitting here; just chillin' taking in the warm breeze on an early morning and drinking a cup of coffee....The perfect place for her...

Mother's Day 2010

Happy Mother's Day to all Mothers; especially to Di's mom, to Jerome's mom and all of the mother figures that make it easier for all of us to get through the tough times in life.

Wish I could bring back Di for one more mother's day to have a fantastic celebration with Jerome and the kids; I'm sure that Em would head to Souq to get Di something amazing and well thought out and there would be dinner at a favorite place or even a big get together with the entire brood of families just to celebrate those special women in our lives that make each day even brighter with their smiles, their words, their hugs, their love and their strength to move through every day with grace and dignity.

Over the years I bought Di mother's day cards because she felt like my mom when she waved her finger at me and told me to behave or gave me "that look" when she didn't approve of something I said or did and she also felt like a sister to me when I could tell her anything and know that she would not condem or judge me but instead would offer kind words, comfort and love when she knew I needed it most. 

"Mothers hold their children's hands for a short while, but their hearts forever." - Unknown

Happy Mother's Day

StART Healing - A Project In Memory of Di

I have been contemplating a photography piece to donate to StART Healing to benefit cancer programs in memory of Di.  This has been on my mind for several months now and I wanted to find a way that I could make a difference; an impact and give a gift to those that need support in the form of donations.  As an artist, I take great pride in my photography and there are several photos that I have in my collection that I would love for others to enjoy also.  I just have to find the right "one".  The one that personifies what Di meant to me, what she brought to the table and what her life meant to her.  Di loved flowers, her garden was her pride and joy.  Di also loved many types of art in many forms so I'm just not sure where to find a 'jumping off point' to delve into this project.  I know that I will find that perfect flower or outdoor setting that would personify Di and the great soul that she was very soon and I hope to find inspiration for this project in the very near future. Time is of the essence for this project; I have a deadline to meet. 

Rilke -- A Life Lived

Many years ago, after Di was diagnosed with breast cancer, we cried together many times and one time I found a card by Rilke at The Afternoon (one of Di's most fav's of stores), and I had to get it for her.  It said everything that I couldn't say without crying and making Di cry along with me.  Live everything was the theme and this is exactly what Di did everyday.....she lived everything and lived in the now and not the what if's.  She did not live along some distant day into the answer though, but I have hopes and dreams and wants and I will keep the ideas alive that there will be a cure for this ugly green cancer monster so that others can live along some distant day into the answer....

Alicia's Story Ends

It's funny how we make friends and find friends and those people that we think of as friends in the "digital age".  We form bonds, relationships and friendships with people that we otherwise would have never known through all of the opportunities we have today.  We read about their stories, their lives, their struggles and their thoughts and wishes.  We send messages through cyberspace to those that we have met who help to make up the important parts of our lives. 

Alicia Parlette was the kind of person that took on the world, grasped every available opportunity available and forged forward on her fight of the ugly green cancer  monster.  She sustained those people close to her.

She lost her battle after years of fighting. 

I am sad. The world is sad. 

                  

Godspeed, Alicia.

Earth Day 4-22-2010

Punchline by Boulder Acoustic Society

Dedicated to Di ...

http://boulderacousticsociety.net/

Nominations Are In ...

I knew that it wouldn't take long before Di was honored for her work over the years with Holy Name. 
She was fabulous, charming, easy to talk to, vibrant, beautiful and loving to all that she came in contact with whether it was in person, on the phone or in emails.  You could just "feel" her concern and need to listen and to of course talk to you anytime that you contacted her.  Being in the development arena at Holy Name gave her "extra" info on people and happenings, she was the go-to-girl for so many things at work.  She told me several times that working at Holy Name did not feel like a "job" to her.  It actually felt like she was with family when she was there. 
She and I talked about her job often and she always talked about the nominations of people for the Hall of Fame, it really tickled her when she had a hand in helping to choose the nominated people.  So many were friends to Di and she seemed poised ready to help anyone out, any time they needed her. 

Holy Name was a perfect fiit for Di; it was meant to be when she graduated from UNO.
Being the party planner, the organizer and the go-to-girl for just about anything, the job fit Di perfectly.  

She needed to be at Holy Name and quite frankly, they needed her too.  Di could talk to someone and remember their name alll the time and know exactly who they were.  She had a knack for this that many people just don't possess. 
As a cheerleader for Holy Name, Di was involved in so many actitivies, benefits and fund raising endeavors and was highly successful in her accomplishments. 

Hats off to you, Di. 

You were one in a million and can never be replaced or imitated. 

Love YOU!

Hall of Fame Nomination - Holy Name - Di

Record Store Day - Calling All Vinyl Lovers

I thought it was only fitting to call mention to a day that is very important in Di's household.  Record Day.  Music is one of the greatest forms of peace and expression.  When I first met Di so many years ago I was amazed at the large amount of vinyl albums that Jerome owned.  They took up a large part of their 2 car garage and they were all stored and categorized and nested intricately in rows with great care.  When I first saw Jerome's collection, I asked Di, "Is this the Brich Record Store?"  She laughed at me and said no, it's the "music room," Cath. 

Record Store Day 2010

Faith

Keeping the Faith
Can I keep the faith burning bright in my life?
People talk of faith in many senses of the word.

Emotion is evident of a strong belief in faith. Whether faith is rational, religious, committed or informal we all treat faith and the faith that we believe in with strong gut-charged emotions.

I find that faith is what sustains my being and it’s what cements me to this earth. You can find faith in many places and you can utilize it for many reasons. The attitude of faith is realizing that through the power of faith we can absolve, resolve, correlate, connect, disconnect, confirm, reaffirm and find reasons why our distinctions and characterizations about people, places, things and God occur.

Using all the ingredients that I have for faith and combining them into a culmination of a shared focus to come to a better understanding of me and my faith has taken me on many journeys and given me various perspectives into the who I was, who I am and who I am becoming. It’s a difficult journey that brings me to tears more often than it probably should. I am still on my journey.

Words on the paper are not the same as words on the computer screen. My tears can fall on the paper, sink in and become an amoeba of sorts that leaves my own imprint in the paper for generations to come. You don’t have this option with computer screens and keyboards. It’s similar to holding a photo in your hand vs having a digital file on your computer or reading jargon and news on the computer, you’re not there to witness it; the internet just says it’s happened and you don’t have the luxury of holding it in your hand. It’s not concrete and pliable and palpable, it’s just out there in space floating around above our heads through satellite transmissions or on a little tiny disk or bytes of pixels within the dark spaces of our hidden computer files, flash drives and backup drives.

In the book, “The Power of Now” the author tells you that everyday you should find a ‘shaft of sunlight’ and embrace it and sit in it. I think I need to find my own space of sun and park it most days when I’m feeling blue or alone or without a reason to move forward.

The implication of faith is to trust that the outcome of a situation is going to be positively affirmative and we can then rest on our laurels and enjoy and live and trust and have faith that everything will work out.

During all of the years and times and struggles and procedures and medications and pokes and prods and chemo and radiation and emergency room and hospital stays I held steadfast to the faith within the heart of Di that things would work out. I held on tight and kept myself from ever breaking down and getting down on my faith that everything would resolve itself and there would be a miracle. That my girl would be cured and the pain that her body had been put through for years would end and be felt as being worthwhile for having to endure the agony of it all and win the fight. I’ve felt my faith falter recently since we lost her. I wonder if faith is what kept me going and is now what is keeping me from going. Going on and feeling happy again.

In my life I always felt the need to make a difference. Whether it’s with my photography, my words or my legacy that I leave, I still want to make a difference in someone’s life or someone’s future. I felt with Di that she was doing that every day in every way with every smile and every laugh that came from that place deep inside where it really matters, from her heart.

My faith is being challenged and I am being challenged to do more, be more and make more of what I call my life. It’s hard to become the person that you want to be when you only have the means to be the person you are and you don’t feel like you can move on and forward. I’m just not ready yet. I wonder when I will be ready. If I ever will.

Ever since the weather turned warmer, birds were singing outside my window and the grass was growing greener I have felt a huge pit of loss in my soul and at the same time a pulling of my senses to go out and explore and turn some earth. I knew that when I opted to trod outside I would be hit with not only the mounds of work I need to do to reclaim my backyard and my garden but the feelings of loss all over again for Di. She was my earth-turner.

I finally spent some time in my garden yesterday, the weather was beautiful and I needed to touch the earth, be one with the earth and its immeasurable force. I didn’t get anything accomplished, I have an infestation of baby bunnies taking over my landscaping and even eating the bark off my trees. Di would know what to tell me to do; she would have answers for me and solutions to my problems. My earth turner, my go-to-girl for answers and chats.

She always did.

Always.

FolkHouse Circa 2006

Many concerts ago, we attended a Folk House Concert at Di & Jerome's and it was lovely.  The music was wonderful, the feeling of intimacy and togetherness and the entire experience was uplifting.  This was back in 2006, and I'm sorry to say that we hadn't attended one since then.  Time is a funny thing and priorities and money get mumbled together and you run out of hours in the day.  I only wish that I had attended more concerts because the feelings I took away from it that night still linger in my soul.  I did have the opportunity to take photos that night and caught Di with the performers and was able to shoot a few of them.  Di just loved all of the performers and she made it a necessary need to do everything she could to make them feel comfortable and welcomed into their house. 

Di introduced the performers and the mic was too high for her, but she didn't let that stop her from welcoming everyone into her home that night. 

A quick shot in Di's kitchen.....

The one photo that I took that night personifies Di in her element, red hair and smiling; just like she was the day that I met her so very long ago.  

Di made everything she did seem so easy and her casual "hi there" and hugs did make it easy, easy for all of us all the time. 

My forever girl, Di