A Treasured Pearl

"A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl." --Stephan Hoeller



Cherish all the oysters in your life; they hold the pearls to your happiness...

The Bell Jar - Muse and Wants

Novel The Bell Jar. Published in the early 1960s, shows the book’s bright college-aged protagonist envisions her future life choices — motherhood, career, travel — as plump figs on a tree. She can’t choose among these inviting figs and so she’s paralyzed:
“I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest ...... ...... "
I have always been a reader of Sylvia Plath's works and always find that the insight she had with her words spoke to many in so many different ways. 

This chapter excerpt always reminded me of Di because she always wanted everything and never wanted to just choose one thing.  So, instead, she spread herself all around so that everyone could have a little piece of her.

I still hold that piece of her in my heart and in my soul and will forever and a day beyond...

Cath

World Oceans Day

Today, June 8, 2010 is World Oceans Day.

Recognize the importance of it's sustainability in your everyday life.  

http://news.discovery.com/earth/oceans-day-slide-show.html

Full House Full Hearts

I attended Chloe's graduation party and the house was full and standing room only for most of the afternoon, filled with family and friends wishing good luck and safe travels on the road of life.  Being in the house again, hearing laughter and knowing that this is exactly what Di would have wanted for her last grad made my heart feel full and tempered my soul. 

A poem about loss and the greatness of who the people are that carry on the love of those we have lost was chosen and is reflected and worn proudly by this special grad for today and always.

A spirit that has always from the time she was young paved her own road and made her own choices, chose to keep her mom close with words and a flower; two of the many things that Di loved...her garden of flowers and her fruitful gift of gab...

Gone From My Sight

I am standing upon the seashore.

A ship at my side spreads her white

sails to the morning breeze and starts

for the blue ocean.

She is an object of beauty and strength.

I stand and watch her until at length

she hangs like a speck of white cloud

just where the sea and sky come

to mingle with each other.

Then, someone at my side says;

"There, she is gone!"

"Gone where?"

Gone from my sight. That is all.

She is just as large in mast and hull

and spar as she was when she left my side

and she is just as able to bear her

load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me, not in her.

And just at the moment when someone

at my side says, "There, she is gone!"

There are other eyes watching her coming,

and other voices ready to take up the glad

shout;

"Here she comes!"

And that is dying.

by Henry Van Dyke, a 19th Century clergyman, educator, poet, and religious writer

Poppies are symbolic of eternal life and beauty. 
What a fitting tribute for Di.

The Future and A Very Special Angel

A very special angel is magically and faithfully watching over her family today and placing a special emphasis on her youngest  who celebrates her day of graduation. 

Today marks the end of one segment and the beginning of a brand new phase for Chloe.  What the future brings is unknown to us but what I know is that over the years Di imparted her love, wisdom and grace upon her children to live fully and prosper with kindness, faith and soulfulness. 

Over the years I was in awe at the directions that Di and Jerome taught their children.  There was honesty and openness and always eloquent love. Sometimes it was quiet, hushed or unspoken love and other times it was loud and unrelentless love, but it was always love. It could be counted on.  And it was always there whenever anyone needed a little piece of it.  Always.
The journey of your life Chloe will be rich with the past experiences you have had and fostered with the values and the love that your mother and your family have bestowed upon you for generations to come.

Love you much Chloe

Just wish your mom's wish would have come true and she could be there for this day to make it extra special for her Chloe girl! My heart is with you today and as you move forward with your life remember to keep her memory tucked tightly in your heart and you will never lose your way.

Cath

6 Month Tab In Time...

182.621099 days

without hearing that contagious laugh 

seeing those blue eyes light up

and feeling the warmth of a Di hug.

People say things like "I can't believe that it's been that long already."  "Where has the time gone?" 
Believe me, I can feel every tick on the clock, every day that adds up to another and the quickness of how it all slips by too fast to soak it all up at once.

Time for me moves too quickly, but in relevance, time is a metaphor for a commodity that we all value for many different reasons. Time is limited, can be shared, communicated, rationalized and can be used to set goals and attain success.  Conceptualization of time is a journey of mental formulation within our own pieces, parts, thoughts, hopes, wishes and dreams.

For me, time at this point, is just another tick on the clock, another step back in the past to pull out the memories that I have lodged in my heart and my soul and my brain.The place that I stepped back into over 6 months ago is a a place that I have forever in my memory of the time that we all still had Di and still had the hopes, the wishes and the dreams of a future.  I still haven't stepped out of that place but every once in awhile I put my tippy toes out there and crick my neck to see if I can see what the future holds. Twice I have been to Di's since she left and I can feel both the emptiness and also the love that still exists in the confines of those house walls. 

I never had the chance to tell Di, to thank Di for the time that she invested in our friendship and the love that she afforded me over the years.  She was always there for me, always made time for me even if she had something else on her calendar of the day.  She made the connection of the conceptualization of time and the importance of it for everyone that was touched by her warmth, generosity and beauty of her soul.

For the first time since we lost Di, I dreamt about her last night.
She was smiling at the dining room table, Jerome, Em, Ben and Chloe and me were all there and she looked beautiful.  We were drinking coffee and discussing talking about the upcoming graduation for Chloe.  Di still had her radiant red hair, her beautiful brilliant smile and she was wearing a blue polo shirt and a pair of capri "skinny" jeans.  I asked her what happened since she looked so skinny and she told me that all the hard work has paid off, she finally lost the weight and then she asked me "what happened to you, Cath?  Why have you gained so much weight?"  I could only tell her that I didn't know why but in the back of mind I remember thinking that since I lost Di I've just went in all different directions and just let things "go".  I remember not telling her these things because I didn't want the dream to end because it felt so real being at her house in the yellow dining room sitting around the table soaking in all of the lines of the walls, the colors and vibrant conversations floating above us all.  It all felt so real.  Until I woke up to the sound of the birds chirping outside my window at 5 a.m. and the cats meowing for their breakfast.  Dammitt.

I have often thought about and mentioned signs of Di in my life and hopefully this dream was the first of many signs and thoughts and feelings that will take me through my years.  I think this was a sign in some
non-descript way, because this is the mark in time that cements 6 months since our loss and this is the first time that I have had any dreams with Di in them. 

I love YOU Di.
I miss YOU Di.
Thank YOU Di

I hope that God is allowing you to share your time and joy and love and warm hugs with everyone, I sure could use one today, from you, though.

Cath

Just Chillin'

I can picture Di sitting here; just chillin' taking in the warm breeze on an early morning and drinking a cup of coffee....The perfect place for her...

Mother's Day 2010

Happy Mother's Day to all Mothers; especially to Di's mom, to Jerome's mom and all of the mother figures that make it easier for all of us to get through the tough times in life.

Wish I could bring back Di for one more mother's day to have a fantastic celebration with Jerome and the kids; I'm sure that Em would head to Souq to get Di something amazing and well thought out and there would be dinner at a favorite place or even a big get together with the entire brood of families just to celebrate those special women in our lives that make each day even brighter with their smiles, their words, their hugs, their love and their strength to move through every day with grace and dignity.

Over the years I bought Di mother's day cards because she felt like my mom when she waved her finger at me and told me to behave or gave me "that look" when she didn't approve of something I said or did and she also felt like a sister to me when I could tell her anything and know that she would not condem or judge me but instead would offer kind words, comfort and love when she knew I needed it most. 

"Mothers hold their children's hands for a short while, but their hearts forever." - Unknown

Happy Mother's Day

StART Healing - A Project In Memory of Di

I have been contemplating a photography piece to donate to StART Healing to benefit cancer programs in memory of Di.  This has been on my mind for several months now and I wanted to find a way that I could make a difference; an impact and give a gift to those that need support in the form of donations.  As an artist, I take great pride in my photography and there are several photos that I have in my collection that I would love for others to enjoy also.  I just have to find the right "one".  The one that personifies what Di meant to me, what she brought to the table and what her life meant to her.  Di loved flowers, her garden was her pride and joy.  Di also loved many types of art in many forms so I'm just not sure where to find a 'jumping off point' to delve into this project.  I know that I will find that perfect flower or outdoor setting that would personify Di and the great soul that she was very soon and I hope to find inspiration for this project in the very near future. Time is of the essence for this project; I have a deadline to meet. 

Rilke -- A Life Lived

Many years ago, after Di was diagnosed with breast cancer, we cried together many times and one time I found a card by Rilke at The Afternoon (one of Di's most fav's of stores), and I had to get it for her.  It said everything that I couldn't say without crying and making Di cry along with me.  Live everything was the theme and this is exactly what Di did everyday.....she lived everything and lived in the now and not the what if's.  She did not live along some distant day into the answer though, but I have hopes and dreams and wants and I will keep the ideas alive that there will be a cure for this ugly green cancer monster so that others can live along some distant day into the answer....

Alicia's Story Ends

It's funny how we make friends and find friends and those people that we think of as friends in the "digital age".  We form bonds, relationships and friendships with people that we otherwise would have never known through all of the opportunities we have today.  We read about their stories, their lives, their struggles and their thoughts and wishes.  We send messages through cyberspace to those that we have met who help to make up the important parts of our lives. 

Alicia Parlette was the kind of person that took on the world, grasped every available opportunity available and forged forward on her fight of the ugly green cancer  monster.  She sustained those people close to her.

She lost her battle after years of fighting. 

I am sad. The world is sad. 

                  

Godspeed, Alicia.

Earth Day 4-22-2010

Punchline by Boulder Acoustic Society

Dedicated to Di ...

http://boulderacousticsociety.net/

Nominations Are In ...

I knew that it wouldn't take long before Di was honored for her work over the years with Holy Name. 
She was fabulous, charming, easy to talk to, vibrant, beautiful and loving to all that she came in contact with whether it was in person, on the phone or in emails.  You could just "feel" her concern and need to listen and to of course talk to you anytime that you contacted her.  Being in the development arena at Holy Name gave her "extra" info on people and happenings, she was the go-to-girl for so many things at work.  She told me several times that working at Holy Name did not feel like a "job" to her.  It actually felt like she was with family when she was there. 
She and I talked about her job often and she always talked about the nominations of people for the Hall of Fame, it really tickled her when she had a hand in helping to choose the nominated people.  So many were friends to Di and she seemed poised ready to help anyone out, any time they needed her. 

Holy Name was a perfect fiit for Di; it was meant to be when she graduated from UNO.
Being the party planner, the organizer and the go-to-girl for just about anything, the job fit Di perfectly.  

She needed to be at Holy Name and quite frankly, they needed her too.  Di could talk to someone and remember their name alll the time and know exactly who they were.  She had a knack for this that many people just don't possess. 
As a cheerleader for Holy Name, Di was involved in so many actitivies, benefits and fund raising endeavors and was highly successful in her accomplishments. 

Hats off to you, Di. 

You were one in a million and can never be replaced or imitated. 

Love YOU!

Hall of Fame Nomination - Holy Name - Di

Record Store Day - Calling All Vinyl Lovers

I thought it was only fitting to call mention to a day that is very important in Di's household.  Record Day.  Music is one of the greatest forms of peace and expression.  When I first met Di so many years ago I was amazed at the large amount of vinyl albums that Jerome owned.  They took up a large part of their 2 car garage and they were all stored and categorized and nested intricately in rows with great care.  When I first saw Jerome's collection, I asked Di, "Is this the Brich Record Store?"  She laughed at me and said no, it's the "music room," Cath. 

Record Store Day 2010

Faith

Keeping the Faith
Can I keep the faith burning bright in my life?
People talk of faith in many senses of the word.

Emotion is evident of a strong belief in faith. Whether faith is rational, religious, committed or informal we all treat faith and the faith that we believe in with strong gut-charged emotions.

I find that faith is what sustains my being and it’s what cements me to this earth. You can find faith in many places and you can utilize it for many reasons. The attitude of faith is realizing that through the power of faith we can absolve, resolve, correlate, connect, disconnect, confirm, reaffirm and find reasons why our distinctions and characterizations about people, places, things and God occur.

Using all the ingredients that I have for faith and combining them into a culmination of a shared focus to come to a better understanding of me and my faith has taken me on many journeys and given me various perspectives into the who I was, who I am and who I am becoming. It’s a difficult journey that brings me to tears more often than it probably should. I am still on my journey.

Words on the paper are not the same as words on the computer screen. My tears can fall on the paper, sink in and become an amoeba of sorts that leaves my own imprint in the paper for generations to come. You don’t have this option with computer screens and keyboards. It’s similar to holding a photo in your hand vs having a digital file on your computer or reading jargon and news on the computer, you’re not there to witness it; the internet just says it’s happened and you don’t have the luxury of holding it in your hand. It’s not concrete and pliable and palpable, it’s just out there in space floating around above our heads through satellite transmissions or on a little tiny disk or bytes of pixels within the dark spaces of our hidden computer files, flash drives and backup drives.

In the book, “The Power of Now” the author tells you that everyday you should find a ‘shaft of sunlight’ and embrace it and sit in it. I think I need to find my own space of sun and park it most days when I’m feeling blue or alone or without a reason to move forward.

The implication of faith is to trust that the outcome of a situation is going to be positively affirmative and we can then rest on our laurels and enjoy and live and trust and have faith that everything will work out.

During all of the years and times and struggles and procedures and medications and pokes and prods and chemo and radiation and emergency room and hospital stays I held steadfast to the faith within the heart of Di that things would work out. I held on tight and kept myself from ever breaking down and getting down on my faith that everything would resolve itself and there would be a miracle. That my girl would be cured and the pain that her body had been put through for years would end and be felt as being worthwhile for having to endure the agony of it all and win the fight. I’ve felt my faith falter recently since we lost her. I wonder if faith is what kept me going and is now what is keeping me from going. Going on and feeling happy again.

In my life I always felt the need to make a difference. Whether it’s with my photography, my words or my legacy that I leave, I still want to make a difference in someone’s life or someone’s future. I felt with Di that she was doing that every day in every way with every smile and every laugh that came from that place deep inside where it really matters, from her heart.

My faith is being challenged and I am being challenged to do more, be more and make more of what I call my life. It’s hard to become the person that you want to be when you only have the means to be the person you are and you don’t feel like you can move on and forward. I’m just not ready yet. I wonder when I will be ready. If I ever will.

Ever since the weather turned warmer, birds were singing outside my window and the grass was growing greener I have felt a huge pit of loss in my soul and at the same time a pulling of my senses to go out and explore and turn some earth. I knew that when I opted to trod outside I would be hit with not only the mounds of work I need to do to reclaim my backyard and my garden but the feelings of loss all over again for Di. She was my earth-turner.

I finally spent some time in my garden yesterday, the weather was beautiful and I needed to touch the earth, be one with the earth and its immeasurable force. I didn’t get anything accomplished, I have an infestation of baby bunnies taking over my landscaping and even eating the bark off my trees. Di would know what to tell me to do; she would have answers for me and solutions to my problems. My earth turner, my go-to-girl for answers and chats.

She always did.

Always.

FolkHouse Circa 2006

Many concerts ago, we attended a Folk House Concert at Di & Jerome's and it was lovely.  The music was wonderful, the feeling of intimacy and togetherness and the entire experience was uplifting.  This was back in 2006, and I'm sorry to say that we hadn't attended one since then.  Time is a funny thing and priorities and money get mumbled together and you run out of hours in the day.  I only wish that I had attended more concerts because the feelings I took away from it that night still linger in my soul.  I did have the opportunity to take photos that night and caught Di with the performers and was able to shoot a few of them.  Di just loved all of the performers and she made it a necessary need to do everything she could to make them feel comfortable and welcomed into their house. 

Di introduced the performers and the mic was too high for her, but she didn't let that stop her from welcoming everyone into her home that night. 

A quick shot in Di's kitchen.....

The one photo that I took that night personifies Di in her element, red hair and smiling; just like she was the day that I met her so very long ago.  

Di made everything she did seem so easy and her casual "hi there" and hugs did make it easy, easy for all of us all the time. 

My forever girl, Di

Angels Among Us

Another angel joined Di last evening; one I met in cyberspace through her wonderful photography talents.  And she, like Di, had talents and dreams and aspirations and family and kids and a long agenda ahead of her to fulfill and sustain her overflowing cup of kindness and goodness. 

I'm sure that Di and her are becoming quick friends with their wit and general gift of gab. 

Di is probably dancing among all the spring flowers and Chris is probably wearing out that shutter on her camera.

Let them both be free of the ugly green cancer monster....

Finally.

We will miss them just like everyone else misses their loved ones that have lingered for so long with pain and suffering and through diligence they fought that battle with all their might and will and heart.

Peace be with you and your family, Chris Monaghan.
Much Love,
Cath

Di's Girls

We spent an afternoon a couple of years ago taking photos of Di's oldest daughter for her graduation photos and then afterwards, we pulled the old white wicker loveseat off the front porch and put it in the front yard.  Di loved these photos of "her girls".

Sisters by Heart

After Di passed, a friend gave me a set of Willow figurines.  She told me that although she never knew Di, she knew that she was a wonderful person and that I had a bond with her that was similiar to being sisters.  I cried all the way through reading her enclosure card and what she said really was true...

Sisters by Heart...

3-18-2010 --- Weather is 61 Degrees right at this moment; can I smell SPRING?

Spring is coming...
I found some blooms peeking through the ground
Looking for sunlight and warmth
Opening from a winter nap
Wish Di was here to see all her flowers that will be sprouting soon...

I Believe..... A quote sent by a friend...so very true

I Believe...

That the people you care about most in life

are taken from you too soon.

But through the windows of our individual souls we have opportunities

to teach the world

about their magnificience

about their meaning and

about the happiness that they brought to our lives.

Etchings Upon My Soul

In 1999, Di and I took a book printing and book making class.

Neither of us knew what we were in for but on the first day of class we formed a bond with Bonnie, a professor and that bond continued through the years even though the last time I saw her was at the last benefit that was given in Di's honor.  

Printmaking is a passion of Bonnie's and she has published many of her works and is a joy to just "chat" with. 

Di made a wonderful book that she wrote about family and raising a family and she put her "Di spin" on it and brough both humor and her incitefulness to the entire process.

We spent a lot of long evenings in the art lab setting type, pre printing, printing and sewing and binding books.

Di's book was featured at the opening of the Book Arts Gallery and she sold some copies of it too.

The book that I did was written and inspired by the people that have had a profound influence on my life.  Little did I know when I was writing the text for my book, I was writing in the present then, Di with me, around me and offering unsolicited comments (she was one of the few that had read my writings over the years), about the future of what is today and tomorrow and what the next phase of my life will hold.

We sometimes look at the present as the "now" and "here" and not as the "what will become"

Profound people and things effect and affect us forever...

"Etchings"

We live within a byway of memories
that bind us to one another
Peering back and looking forward
retracing footsteps
pondering in the future for enlightenment

taking comfort in the outreaches

of the past for serenity

We weave in and out

as the strands of fibers interlock
creating the quilts of our lives

gilded so intricately and precise,

ardent and surrounding us with opulence

We find a secure place between

here and there with affinity

as we turn the tattered pages of our lives

We open new chapters

and close those ones

that we had not expected to...

unforgettable bonds forged

as the seasons change,

fall to spring, summer to winter

And with the brisk air
or the first snowflake

We sometimes find clarity
lingering in the background
awaiting our invitation
of realization
as we are balancing our lives
on a string and trying just to survive

We and you and us and I
cause the impressions on our souls
that are imprinted as etchings
within the lock and key of life
like ripples on a body of water
they cause effects that linger

Concluding how quickly
our days go by with
the tickin' of the clock
as the sunrise burns in
and blinds us momentarily
as we recollect and reminisce

Poignant portraits of you and us and we, weather time
Holding hands and sharing smiles
Flourishing with friends and confidants
Allowing us to dictate who we are as we live with
compassion, distinction and forthrightness
Watching tremendous thunderstorms together
Long nights reminiscing through lengthy conversations

Tears shed for those we lost and
hugs that surrounded us while we questioned fate
Days we never wanted to end
and some nights we thought never would
Time and holidays spent cradled with song, guitar and presence
                                                                                      ~ Ck 1999

Heart Lyrics

If I only had the words to write the songs

If I only knew the lyrics of your heart
I’d bundle them with love and tender care
Wish away your blues and wipe away the pain

Surround you with the perfect alibi
Convict you of a sin
Set sentence of a fire that ever burns
Deep within the rapture of my soul

I missed you today
And yesterday I know I heard your voice
In my thoughts as the phone rang off the wall
I shuddered when you weren’t on the other end

Tender crossing through that mighty threshold
Breaking over boundaries in the darkness
The stars we wish upon a night be blended
Throughout a fair, fair land of never ever ended

Surround you with the perfect alibi
Convict you of a sin
Set sentence of a fire that ever burns
Deep within the rapture of my soul

Working all along the way,
Always wanting to show you the way
The way of the world,
Wanting you to be there to comfort and
Show me all that there is in you and us and we

All the things I missed along the way

Signify

Tiny high pitched tears

hitting the ground like icicles being catapulted from a frozen roof to claim their space in the universe…….screaming out for forgiveness, searching for calmness, grasping for peace and all the while calling out for anyone that will listen
Could you hear my tiny high pitched tears this morning
before they hit the ground like torpedoes vaulting from the sky
They fell in the sink and in the shower and were washed down separate drains all emptying into one big hemisphere, joining all the others from the past since you left
tumbling through the hemisphere

wallowing in wet drippy biospheres

Did you see them
Did you feel them
Did you hear them

They fell steadily in streams like the ocean tide

Welling up and then bursting

I cry everyday

And it’s February already

At least once

If not more

Washing over my face like the holy water that was flung on your casket that fateful day

That changed my life
That changed all of our lives
My thoughts
My feelings

I find myself looking over my shoulder to catch a glimpse of you
Just a tiny one
But I can’t find you
Can’t see you
Can’t remember the last time we just chilled
Without the ugly green cancer monster glaring down
Waiting to pounce
I miss those times that
you were free
and carefree
and full of life without the needles and pokes and poison
You had a profound effect on me
On my wants
My needs
My what abouts and what nots
The” I didn’t have time” and the
“Sorry I missed you”
Just excuses of tiny tears
Lying in the potholes of life sinking further and further away from existence

Cherish and Remember

I picked up this little block sign right before Christmas this year and placed it atop a shelf I have with Di memories.  She would be proud that she not only has a place in my heart but a shelf in my house. 

It says it all:

Regrets But A Few...Paris and Smiles

During the last days that I visited Di in the hospital of the few times that we had to spend and hold hands and chat we talked about regrets.  Of course she was more worried about me than herself, as usual.  She told me that I needed to break down the walls and build up the relationship with my dad again no matter what it took and that one day if my mom came waltzing back into my life, I needed to honor her presence and forgive her for all the things that she'd done over the years.  That's a bitter pill for me to swallow twice, I have to admit. 

But, Di told me that relationships are all that we have in this great big world and the stronger we are about keeping them, the stronger we are as human beings.  Kindness, forgiveness and love are what makes the world go 'round. 

She did tell me that she did have regrets too. 

There were few...

Not being able to see Chloe graduate...

Not being able to take her daughters to see Paris...

And the one that made me laugh and dry up my tears for a few

short minutes while my hand shook as I was holding

her hand in mine

Not being able to go to an Ellen Show taping...

So, Em and Chole make sure one day that you visit Paris and remember that your Mom really wished that she could take you both there...with her.

Experiences, regrets, memories, misgivings, thankfulness, missteps.

These all combine to make us what we are and who we are and how we portray ourselves to those we love and those we don't know we love yet.

I Raise My Cup To You...

And toast the friendship, the stories, the sheer beauty of your legacy; your memory.

On this day, I reflect on the happenstance that brought us together and the bond that kept us together over the years not by chance, but by choice. 

A Cup of Friendship

Stir in 1 cup of thoughfulness

Add 3/4 cup of forgiveness

1 cup compassion

1 cup trust

1 cup hospitality
1 cup hope
1 cup joy
2 cups laughter
3/4 cup loyalty
1/2 cup of listening
3 teaspoons of special luck
2 tablespoons of kindness

Bring to simmer utilizing patience and then boil in the daily struggles not forgetting hope and kindness along the way.  Sprinkle all with one cup faith. Stir daily and serve over a lifetime. 

She gave me this cup one Christmas and it's been on my kitchen shelf as a reminder of her talents. Knowing that she made this with her two hands has always made this special but it is ever so much more special now...today...


I only wish I had more of her creations. She always said that she would paint me a picture. It's too bad that time slipped so quickly away.

I was one of the "lucky ones" though. I got to be present when the artist was at work.

From patterned paper classes, papermaking classes, bookbinding classes, book printing classes and pottery classes I was always by her side seeing and feeling and reveling in the shared moments of her important creationary work.

Di loved art and making art.  This cup is one of her many creations.
She told me that when she was throwing clay she felt free and peaceful and in charge of the moment. 






Art washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.
                                                                                                      ~ Pablo Picasso   

Left Things and Found Gems

Sometimes things get left and within a momentary lapse they are found and you are transformed to another place in time, another era. 
A place when all was right with the world.

Like...
My sister's turquoise ring from New Mexico circa 1975
   That old jar of buttons from the 1800's that Grandma gave me
Lost and forgotten lottery tickets stuffed in the kitchen drawer
   The garden hoe left in the backyard found after the winter thaw
Grandma's writing journal from the 70's you have
   A photo of the family you used to be a part of when you were 16
The 1980's chrome belt you thought you gave to the Goodwill
   Actual silver coins from the early 1900's that you've held onto
Pure white sand the first time at the Texas beach
   Aspen leaves from Colorado that give me solitude
Touchstones carved in lapis that Tish gave me years back
   The writings you put in a shoebox with organizational intentions
That crumpled 2x2 picture of Grandpa Earl standing tall
   An old deathstar keychain from Star Wars that actually still works
Report cards from grade school
   Aunt Betty's recipe for cherry cobbler that you thought you lost
Dad's "Buick Spoken Here" business card
   Bean's word rocks she gave me for Christmas many moons ago


And then, there are the old photos.
They have been living crammed in a box.
Weathering the years.
Negatives from school projects and just because photos.
All the while waiting for you to return.
To reclaim your memories...
To reclaim your past...
To ponder in the complexities of what life is offering up now versus then...


Over the years, I had the opportunity to spend quality family time with Di and her family.  When I was single, I was pretty much a staple in their household.  I went with them on an adventure to a nature preserve one Sunday afternoon in 1998 and snapped a few photos. 
I always will remember the times. 
It was always loud, full of love and it was always just where I needed to be.  With family.

Heart of The World

In the heart of the world there is a place that holds the secret names of the rocks & the trees & all the children of the earth & around it gather women & men who hold it dear & each night they stand together to keep it safe for as long as it takes till morning comes & no matter what you have been told, this will always be so, in the heart of the world.  ~ Unknown

Cold Sunday In a "Funk"

Di would be telling me to get out of my "funk" I'm sure.

She always had a good attitude even when things were going not-so-good. 

I could always count on her to pull me out of whatever funk I was in and lift me up.

I miss that.

I miss her big hugs.

I miss hearing her voice.

I miss knowing that she was just a phone call away.

Dammit this cold just makes everything worse and makes me not want to do anything that I'd like to do; not what I have to do.

If I could, I'd transport us both back to the winery, have a few glasses of wine and do this day all over again and enjoy "more" of the day and I'm sure I would be far from any kind of funk.

This is the last photo that I have of Di and I together; drinking wine at Prairie Crossing and chatting. So glad that I got this photo! Thanks honey for taking it!!

prairiecrossingwine

3-Month Tab in Time

Today marks 3 months since we lost Di.

Approximately 91.3105497 days without the sound of her voice or hearing the joy in her laughter.
2191.45 hours...

I feel like I have lost breaths during this time, lost thoughts that I can't get back again and I fear that I will forget everything that is important if I don't write it down.

When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure. ~Author Unknown

Perhaps...

   

Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy. ~Author Unknown

My Perennial, my forever friend

With all the snow that we've had this year it's hard to even think about Spring ever getting here.
We have been covered with a blanket of white over the past month and the grass below is getting the needed moisture and will be ready for a thaw soon.  When I start to see the first shoots appear I know that I'm going to think of Di.  She loved flowers and gardens and could name about any flower that I described to her and tell me how to tend to it, when to cut it down if necessary for a winter snooze or to leave it because it needed the shelter of it's stalks to survive a brutal Nebraska winter.  We talked alot about flowers and plants and vegetables and made trips to the Farmer's Market a few times to indulge in the fruits and flora of other's handiwork.  One time I was at a boutique and I found a decorated pot on a stick that called out to me and said take me to Di, I belong in Di's garden.  So, I bought it and took it to her. 
Ken and I were in Nebraska City one early fall weekend and I found a huge willow basket that just screamed Di and I brought it home, filled it with lavender and moss and presented it to her.

It's going to be hard to think of Spring and flowers and tending to my garden without my perennial cheerleader to lead me in my quest for successful gardening. 

Always and Forever, Di.

Di and Oprah and Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

I remember long ago, Di and I took a Death and Dying course (one of the many classes we attended together), and I have to admit that I took classes I really didn't need so many times so that I would be able to take them with Di because I just couldn't tear myself away from a semester without Di. 
During our class, we did various assignments and one of them was watching an interview with Oprah and Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.  In the interview, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross explained how after people have passed away they sometimes communicate with those that are left behind.  Oprah asked Elisabeth Kübler-Ross if she would be sending any message to her if Elisabeth was to pass away before her.  Elisabeth's response was, "Well of course, I would pinch you on the butt to let you know that I made it okay and that everything would be okay for you too." 

Di told me that if she had a choice, she would send me a message too and that day the two of us made a pact that we would each send one another a message if it was possible.  I told Di that I would tap her on the shoulder lightly to let her know that everything was okay and then Di told me that she would pinch me really hard on the butt when I was least expecting it and that way I would know it would be from her.  I just had to laugh and it still makes me laugh to this day to think of that.

As of yet, I haven't felt any pinching.
I wish I would get a sign of some sort though; it would be good for my soul.

Being Noble and Good and Analyzing and Rambling...

NOBILITY and GOING HOME


There is a saying that grief and knowing grief is noble and noteworthy and emblematic of the love that we have for those that have departed too soon. Nowhere does it say that this is going to be easy. Struggling with the death of a loved one whether it is a family member or close friend is exactly that; a struggle. Before the death of a loved one we go about our day and after the death we go about our day in a different way with shards of glass remembrances and utter sadness. Sometimes the silhouettes of sunshine give us glimpses of our loved one but more often than not I find that the sun pierces my eyes with light that I’m not accustomed to. I need the shade to shelter me. Many think that I have moved on; even I believe, my husband thinks this. Crying in the dark spaces of my soul at opportune times allows me to continue the grieving process, I believe. Some I am sure would argue with me. Moments and memories I have are tied to the string that binds my heart to its internal organs keeping me ticking through every day. Having people tug at my string every once in awhile is what keeps me going and moving forward. It’s the things that people want and the bills that I have to pay that keeps me getting up and going through the motions of the days. I want to stress that I am moving forward, but NOT on. It’s still too early to move on.

How do people move on? Do they just close that awesome book they’ve been reading for years and years and put it back on the shelf to gather dust? Or, do they ignore the resemblance of reminders that link them to their lost loved one? Maybe some are able to deal better than others but does this make those people more pristine than all the rest of us? Are these people who are able to move through the dying process quickly and without much care only prolonging their alleged fate of suffering or do we silently want to call them heartless or uncaring? Questions to ask, inventories to prod and time machines to invent. What does all of this say about our world, our lives our relationships with loved ones and with God?

Death and sorrow go hand in hand walking through the inner spaces of our inner beings. Longing to reconnect and to reissue a recall on God’s chosen one. “Can’t you take someone else or better yet; how about taking a holiday and leave everyone to live today?” This would have been my talk with God that day if I had had a choice. But, the choice was not mine; the road was already paved long before I even knew I am sure. There was a calling that to a higher power I could not compete with.

The pontification of living a life through all the means available without cares is truly a sham. We all face struggles, heartbreak, fits of sheer anger and distress and loss. Through the slow euthanasia of life we walk through both the light and dark spaces of our past, present and future with trepidation and idle confidence. Some wish to know what is in store for them, while others choose to let the road lead the way by taking the steps that integral forces allow them to take. Step. Step. Step. Trip and fall. Step. Stumble. Step. Step. Step. Step.

I have been reading extensively on palliative or terminal sedation (some would call it palliative care), and the right to live and die and have found that there is a split divide between those that believe that dying is a persons right and living is the right of others not directly involved in the lives of people. Allowing physicians to offer sedation at the end-of-life thus allowing the “O” effect to occur and death to come more quickly than so many have imagined is a hot topic. In Oregon, there is a law that protects those individuals that choose to die. I have seen death at other times in my life; even sat with a patient and her husband and watched first her die while I comforted both of them and then he also passed away just hours after his dear wife passed away and I was there with him also. Death beckoned my doorstep on a very warm November morning in 2009. I am still reeling from the loss of her.

Without sedation, the pain is shriller and the thoughts and opinions may be more profoundly idealistic and vocalistic but what is the ‘proper’ way to deal with this? Is this more of a merciful way to deal with the issue or not? The lethal finality of induced sedation through the use of pain medications is an arsenal that is closely shrouded in the manifest of the human physician; whom we all regard as being more-than-human, per se.

Whether we are looking at survival of the fittest with regards to Darwin or quality versus quantity; we need to approach the situation in an informed and educated state. Some say that the only civilized way to leave our great planet is with the assistance of palliative sedation and others argue that this is us playing God. The stewing of the ‘great death’ is one riddled with controversy and finality. But does this cross a line? Does going “home” exemplify the process of death? In the sense of “home” I am speaking in the context of dying and going back to our maker, God.

Does the nobility of dying grant peace or does it just grant a pardon from life?

I realize that death is inevitable but at what cost do we succumb or allow those that we love to succumb to the pressures brought on by the pain, the physicians, and the loved ones rallying around praying for a cure or an end?

In many aspects, I do not feel that my faith in religion is strong. At a young age, I lost my sibling and with that loss my family retreated into a shell and stopped teaching and affirming religion in our household. No more church services on Sundays, no more Christmas Eve services or Easter services. It all just came to a direct halt.

As an adult, I have followed in the footsteps of my disjointed family and allowed myself to ignore religion. I realize it was a choice but without a sense of the time that needed to be devoted to a particular religion, choosing a church and congregation, I really do not feel that I would have been able to make that choice on my own. As I have grown older I feel guilty that I have not chosen ‘my path’ of religion and hence decided that sleeping in on holidays and Sundays was the right choice for the particular day. I sometimes feel guilty for being selfish and find myself wanting to know if I really ‘want’ more or if my thoughts and feelings are just part of the normal construct of the beliefs of others.

Just my ramblings…

Cath