11.29.2007 - An Empty Chair For A Full Day of Love

Di had planned my wedding for years in her head, I'm sure. 

"When did you tell me your getting married?" "Do you have a date set?"  "What can I do to help?"

Di was on the marriage track probably from the very beginning of that first meeting of me introducing Ken to her and Jerome.  She was my marriage cheerleader over the years. I also knew Ken was the one for me; my soul mate.

In the months leading up to the wedding, Di was adamant about wanting to be there for me and I was so happy that she wanted to be there.  She looked at the many pictures of dresses with me in magazines, we talked about colors and possibilities and shoes and hairstyles that I should have for the big day.

Then back in the late summer of 2007, we went shopping for my dress.  She was so excited.

I'm so sad knowing that she never will get to see her girls try on their own wedding dresses someday when they approach that time in their lives.

It was the first time ever in my life that I had tried on a wedding dress.  We walked the long aisles of the white and cream colored dresses, Di had her cane with her but she was not totally reliant on it, in fact she used her cane as a tool that day to sort through all the hundreds of dresses.  Each one of them had their own special personality, their own style.  Upon the first sweep of pulling hangars, taking first glances and standing on my tippy toes in my perusal I just could not find the "one".  I kept saying no, no, no, no.  I remember glancing at one particular dress but Di had her eyes on the poofy dresses and the princess dresses even though I remember specifically saying that I did not want to even look at those.  She told me several times that I will never get the opportunity to try on dresses again and she just wanted to "see" what the dresses looked like on me.  So, I obliged her of course.  I could never turn Di down.  She had that convincing way about her.  I can't remember how many dresses I tried on that afternoon, it was a lot.  I stopped counting after the third sweep of the store when I finally grabbed that ONE dress that in the initial sweep I had seen but never picked up.  I pulled it from the rack, it was heavy and long but no train, just a long trailing chiffon scarf and it was beaded from top to bottom, sleeveless but it had a collar that went around the neck.  When I pulled it out, Di said "I Love That One, Cath".
Well, that was the ONE after all.  But, I know that we had to do all that work to get to "that point" on that day.  This is a day that I will forever cherish.   A day that Di and I were free from the ugly green cancer monster, we smiled, we laughed, we were looking forward to the future and I was looking forward to having Di with me on my wedding day. Afterward, we went to the Cheesecake Factory, had dinner and Di bought lots of desserts to take home.  It was a wonderful day.

Unfortunately, Di could not come to our wedding and it broke my heart; but I knew that it was breaking Di's heart more than mine.  Her health was not treating her well in the fall of 2007.  Di gave so much to so many so often and I think that her body needed to take a break and her not taking the trip was indication that she needed a rest break.  I had always wished that she would be there for me, to keep me focused, to keep me on track, to help to guide me, to hold my hand as I walked through the sand in my heels and to be the one that I would peer over to as she stood there as witness to our beautiful bonding on our wedding day.  I know that Di felt bad for not being able to come but I told her that I understood; because I really did deep down inside understand.

She was a part of my wedding, even though  she could not be there; it was a small wedding and there were only four chairs set up on the beach, one for Ken's mom, and three other chairs that I designated in my mind as one specifically designated for Di, one for Ken's uncle Jimmy who had his own health issues that morning and was devastated that he could not be there and one for my sister, Nancy who is always in my heart.

Three years later, today I celebrate that day that I made the commitment to my husband and I am sure that Di is smiling down on us today and wishing us happiness forever.


Peace.

A Shrine

 
I have been reading about the architecture of Shrines and the work that goes into building them.  Shrines are art pieces that are compiled for worship and rememberance.
Di loved art. 
Over the years, Di had several art projects going on both literally and also figuratively.  Her mind would be thinking about the next great project that she wanted to start before she was even done with her current project.
I had the pleasure of taking many art "type" classes with her and one of the first ones was a pottery class where we got to actually "throw clay" and work with a manual pottery wheel.  I can remember the giggles and laughs and jaunts that Di made to me during those short class sessions.  I could not keep my wheel turning long enough to even pull the clay into any type of looks-like-a-pot-or-a-vase for the life of me.  Di had the knack almost instantly; she pulled several vases and pots and also a couple of cups (without handles) during our first-ever pottery class.  The class lasted only 4 weeks but it was fabulous to be there with Di and see her "creating".
She went on to take more pottery classes and even made a set of dishes for her final project in one of the advanced classes.  I am the proud recipient of one of her accomplishments, a cup (with a handle, albeit), and I treasure this piece with tender loving care.  It sits on my shelf in my kitchen, far and high above and away from any animal that may knock it down.
One of my other Di "treasures" was not so lucky and met with a shattered demise.  Fortunately, it was not a treasure that Di made with her own two hands, instead it was a gift that she had gotten me on one of her trips to Mexico.  It was a wonderfully colorful sunflower plate that I had perched high above my kitchen cabinets and on one special day while I was picking up my wedding dress after alterations, I myself was looking at a plate in the wedding shop; a remembrance of your "wedding day" plate and as I put the plate back on the shelf  on 11-10-2007 (I still have the receipt from my wedding dress alterations), I missed the shelf completely and the plate went crashing to the floor shattering in too many pieces to count.  I was abhorred at what I had done and the salesclerk told me it was okay and she told me not to worry.  Thank goodness.
Unknown to me, on that same morning, our eldest cat decided to take a walk on the wild side and venture way up high above my kitchen cabinets and she managed to lodge herself between the plate and the wall knocking the plate to the floor shattering it in too many pieces to count.  My then soon-to-be-husband collected all the pieces and put them in a bag awaiting my return home.  I was devastated at first, called Di and told her and she told me that the next time she got to Mexico, she would try to remember to buy me a new plate; I told her that it was not necessary since apparently I did not show due diligence in securing this plate, how would I know that the next one would not also be shattered to oblivion?  I never got another plate, but I still have the precious cup that Di made for me with her two hands and her heart that means more to me than any 'purchased' item from Mexico.

On the idea of shrines; this is an important aspect of "remembering" those that touched your life. According to many religious customs, shrines play a large part of everyone's daily lives from the churches that we attend to the specific customs that we practice.
At Holy Name, it itself is a shrine to Christianity and there are several shrines honoring those that we hold dear to our hearts and there are many ways that this is shown from the alter to the statues to the candles that we light in honor of loved ones.  On the evening of Di's visitation and the day of Di's funeral I sat close to the front of the church right in front of the candles and many people were lighting candles both for Di and others and as I watched each and every one of them light a candle I could feel the presence of Di smiling warmly.

My visual focus on the evening of the visitation was on the devotional alter and I kept my focus steady while trying to remain composed.  I kept praying and I kept thinking all along that Di would be so happy to know that so many people that she touched over the years were there all together in one place; she would have loved so much to be there that day and talk and chat and hug and touch those people but that was not possible; she was there in spirit and in our hearts though.  I remember the day of the funeral so vividly and during the service the light from the windows took itself and placed it upon Di's casket.  During the entire ceremony, the light stayed there and kept it's focus on the important reason why all of us gathered there; for Di.  During the processional when Di's casket was moved from the front of the church to the back, I watched through my tears as the light appeared to "follow" her casket. 
During the many years from childhood to adulthood, Di held strong in her faith and her worship at Holy Name.  It was only fitting that God that day showered her casket with the light of his love throughout the ceremony.

Thanksgiving Wishes

Thanksgiving Wishes 

Peace and freedom in every possible way
To love and be loved
Hope in the face of even the bleakest of situations
Joy for the sake of joy – and for the bliss that one person’s happiness can bring to another life
The gift of good health, or if that is not possible, as little suffering as can be
A roof over your head and food on your table
Creativity and inspiration – may the muse never wander out of sight
Dreams to reach and new goals to aspire to
A song in your heart
Time spent with those nearest to you and the fond memories such moments foster
The ability to fall asleep with a reason to wake up smiling
Light to guide your way no matter how dark the hour
Security in whatever ways matter most to you
Friends to confide in, laugh with, hold dear
Endless blessings and reasons to give thanks

Poem Courtesy of http://www.chronicallyvintage.com/
via Norman Rockwell

Story People

This is a magical beast that holds the secret of light & shadow in a safe place in her heart....

Birthday Wishes - Ben

November 19 is a very special day and last year Di's "Benno" had to celebrate amidst the sorrow of losing Di.  Di had a way of making up little names for her kids and two that I remember she frequently used for Ben was Benno and B; it was almost her signature style...you could just hear the happiness exude from her voice when she said Benno or B.  You couldn't help but smile even when smiling was not of the utmost importance for the particular time and place.

Today is Ben's birthday and I certainly know that with a heavy heart he will be thinking of his mom and I'm sure that there is an extra special kiss that she has sent down from heaven and planted right smack on his cheek today. 



Happy Birthday, Benno!  Please always remember that your mom loved you so very much and she would only wish the very best for you today and always.  Hold all of those memories of her inside your heart and know that she is so very proud of you.

Love,

Peace,

Good wishes to you...

Cat

One Year Later ...

The church was immaculate, flowers were lined up on each side of the alter, candles were burning, people were milling and crying and sobbing.  A very tough day.

It's been a long year, my friend.
One Year later...

·        31,536,000 seconds

·        525,600 minutes

·        8760 hours

·        52 weeks (rounded down)

It's been a long road, my friend.
Miss you so very much.
Love.
Peace.
Godspeed Always.

Di's Funeral

The Day Between The Good and The Bad

Today is the day between the last day that I talked with Di and the last day of Di's life...
I honestly did not ever think in my wildest of dreams that I would be looking back on the last days of Di's life one year later.  It's all because I'm still hurting.  Still raw.  Still lonely without 'my girl'.
I remember one year ago; the day before on Friday, November 13, 2009, I sat with Di in the hospital and we chatted and held hands and talked about so many things as we watched The Ellen Show together.  Forget about the bland hospital room, the beeping of machines and the insistence of people who only wanted the best for Di.  She wanted to watch Ellen and hang out.  We did just that. 
I had the privelage of hearing Di sing to me too, that day. 
Apparently, she had been doing this daily and I got to hear her last performance; so sweet and so beautiful.  I wished I would have recorded it; if I would have thought about it, I have video on my phone and I just did not take the time to THINK to do this.  It makes me sad to know that since I did not think to record this moment, it is lost; but really it's not - it's in my memory.  A special gift from Di.
As I listened to her words she sang and held tight to her hand, I outlined her face, her features, her nose, her lips, her eyes and her prominent jaw line tracing her features and her face and her baldness as she sang to me.  To this day, I cannot remember even one of the words to the song and can't even remember the name of the song. 

When I got ready to leave that afternoon, Di had made the choice to take a stronger medication to help her sleep and before I left I told her that I would "ring her up on Saturday" and she told me that I better make sure to as she waved her cell phone at me.  I gave her hugs, cried all over her bed sheet and she held my hand tightly and told me that she loved me much....and that we would have more "days".  Then I left with a heavy heart.  Friday the 13th's are typically bad days all around or at least we have come to recognize them as so, but on this Friday the 13th I got to enjoy "my girl" for awhile and sit and chill with her.  I was privileged to be there, be there with Di.

I tried to ring her up on Saturday morning, Saturday afternoon and then in the evening.  No answer; it only went to voice mail...then I called Jerome's cell and I could feel the sadness through the phone, through the words he was saying.  Things were not looking good.  Family was there and it had been a long a difficult Friday night and Saturday morning and afternoon.

Time was catching up and the ugly green cancer monster was beckoning again....and he was not going to wait much longer.  We knew that.  Di knew that.  We were losing the battle, losing our girl, our husband, our daughter, our mom, our aunt, our sister, our niece, our best friend in the world all to something as stupid as cancer and the complications that it causes.

Caring ... Through Music NOVEMBER 13TH 2010

To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA) began as a local effort to raise money for a Florida girl to get treatment and turned into a global nonprofit. The charity realized its message resonated with music lovers after a friend in the band Switchfoot wore one of its T-shirts at a concert in 2006. The band's fans searched the Web and began purchasing shirts of their own, and reaching out to founder Jamie Tworkowski to see how they could get involved with the movement.

The Switchfoot concert opened doors for TWLOHA, which has since worked with a few dozen artists and celebrities. This year, for the fourth consecutive summer, the group traveled on the nationwide Vans Warped Tour, hosting a tent and selling T-shirts.  The organization does not sign contracts with artists, and many of its famous supporters have reached out to TWLOHA through MySpace, where the grassroots movement began.

"We really believe music has a unique ability to make us feel alive, and realize it is okay to feel things and ask questions, and the conversation that we represent is oftentimes something that doesn't get talked about." - Tworkowski

Music is engrained in the charity's work, Tworkowski said, because so many of its supporters have a deep love of artistic expression. TWLOHA takes part in more than 200 music-related events each year.

The organization does not solicit donations, but instead lists information on its Web site that tells how and where to donate without making formal donation appeals.

TWLOHA

Anniversary Approaching - My Angel Watching Out For Me I Believe.....

As we approach the anniversary of Di’s death I…contemplate, reflect and find myself retreating again because another milestone is coming up; another tick on the clock and another date to look at on the calendar with sadness.
And this time a year ago tough decisions were being made about care and comfort and  the time was so raw and so present having to make decisions and see Di struggling so much. 

Di always knew that this time of the year was very hard for me; it has always been.  Marking my own "tick on the clock" and the date that defines my persona and my life and who I am brings sadness and contemplation and loss and wants all back in a rush for me.  It makes me want to turn back time and now after this day it makes me want to be able to turn back time even more so and pick up the phone because it's ringing and I know who is calling; it's Di to wish me happiness.  But it didn't happen yesterday and it will never happen again.
Since my little angel could not call and speak to me yesterday I think she must have provided the means to inform someone that they needed to make a very important and long overdue call.  I've always believed in coincidences and that everything does happen for a reason and I think that a very special angel gave someone a very hard tap on the shoulder and may have even dialed the phone for him. 

I was suprised and shocked to receive a phone call yesterday.  It has been many years since I've heard those words "Happy Birthday" and "I Love You" from him.
It was good and maybe this will lead to more of these phone calls to happen in the future....
It would be good to reconnect again and  bring a balance to the uneasiness and instability.

One thing that Di told me on the last day that we spent time together when she was in the hospital on Friday, November 13, 2009, was that I needed to make the "contacts" with him, make the first move, make the distinction and come to the realization that he does NEED to be in my life as much as I need to be in his life. Di was in her final days and we were talking about my problems and she was giving me advice and telling me what to do. She was even asking about others that were not well and wanting to know about them and giving her hopefulness to their struggles.  She was always more worried about others than herself.  That was Di.  It always was.
I think she was trying in her heart of hearts to prepare me for the next phase of what my life could and would offer me in the coming years.  She knew.  She always did, I believe.

You are NOT alone

Over the past few days I have been again, contemplating life and the complexities of it.
Death is so hard and so brutal and so raw that it makes us take a look at everything and examine things with a fine tooth comb.  Am I worthy?  Am I going to be able to go forward?  Am I alone now? Am I just feeling this because this is what I am supposed to feel when there is loss?  Am I going to recover?  Am I willing to recover? Am I the person I want to be today; the person that I was before?

After the loss of another family member, I find myself looking at things again. Recollecting the past, pondering in the present and contemplating the future.  Mostly, I have been looking back into my past.  Can I really do that?  I'm not sure but some days I wish there was a window that you could open up and all the past memories and feelings and smells and experiences would be categorized for you into groups that you could choose from and re-experience them again.  Wouldn't that be fabulous?  We could take steps back into time at a whim and marvel and dance and sing and laugh and re-cherish those memories whenever we wanted.

Di's passing made me want to reach out and grab everything that I could that I had that was Di-related.  I wanted to never forget her, forget the things that she stood for and the things that she liked and loved and wished for.

I spent some time last night talking with my grandmother who told me she is feeling lonely.  She is the only surviving sibling in her immediate family since the loss of her brother just last week.  A kind soul, a giving soul, a soul that emulated live and happiness and lived with gusto.  As a child, the times spent with my great uncle are etched in my memory.  He loved to go bowling and take vacations and spend time with family.  He had an infectious laugh and when he smiled his eyes seemed to be twinkling.  I cannot ever remember a time when he was not happy or smiling about something; except when Nancy died.  I think a little part of him died when she died.  We all lost a little part of ourselves when Nancy died.

Melvin, my grandmother's brother passed away quickly and with no indication of any health problems.  My grandmother told me that she feels alone and it broke my heart to hear those words from her.  I wanted to go to her and embrace her and tell her that she is not alone by any stretch of the imagination.  She has 15 grandchildren, 15 great grandchildren and 7 children of her own that love her so very much and wish happiness for her and do not ever want her to feel like she is alone. 




 Feelings of alone-ness and unworthiness are the underlying affects of what we feel when there is nothing that we can do to make things right again or fix things back to the way that they were.  I know that Melvin would have never wanted his sister to feel alone.  I do not want her to ever feel this way either. 
We are really not alone.
Ever.

Birthday Girl 10.16.2010

Happy Birthday to 'my girl' Di

Cancer took you away from us all

Your memory burns bright in my soul

I cherish the honor bestowed upon me to be your friend

Time moves too quickly once we've lost someone...can we go back to last year?  I really need a Di hug today...



I have a little yellow sticky note that has sat taped to my computer monitor for a year and three days now; I put it up there last year not because I would forget Di's birthday, but as a reminder to me to buy her a birthday card.  I've found that the older I get the harder it is for me to remember to do certain things at certain times and I need those visual cues to remind me.  That was last year; this is this year; one year and three days later and that little yellow sticky note is still there taped to the side of my monitor.  I can't take it down, it's too late, I can't crumble it up and toss it, I can't NOT see it everyday and I can't process in my mind today that I missed doing something that I have done for so many years - buy a birthday card for Di.  That hurts and the idea of even entering a card aisle just breaks my heart.  Last year when I went shopping for Di's card I just had a feeling that something wasn't right.  I looked at all the funny cards, the serious cards, the stupid cards and when I finally found 'the one' I remember holding it in my hands and running my fingers over the raised lettering of the words happy birthday and then I completely lost it in the Hallmark aisle and began crying.  I had an overblown attack emotionally and something inside me told me that this was the last birthday card I would buy for Di.  I had never in all of the years that Di struggled with cancer EVER had that feeling of loss.    It's something that still haunts me today.  I even went home and called Di just to chat; I think I called her to ease my mind of wandering any further...and she was fine...she sounded tired but she was good, she told me so when I outright asked her.  I can remember her saying "I'm good, Cath".  I could breathe and function and move forward after I hung up the phone knowing that I would see her in a couple of days when I stopped by to wish her a happy birthday...the last birthday.........ever

 Peace.

Connecting The Dots...Making Sense of It All...

You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever.

   -- Steve Jobs

Connecting the dots and making sense of it all seems like a daunting task; one that requires work and diligence and commitment.  I can look backward in my mind and find all my dots and see all of the times that I made the "connections" with my life through friends and love and experiences.  When we do something or say something, we trust that what we do or say will be heard and will be correct and at the time; I think that we just trust that what we do or say will take us further and hence, connect the dots to our future. 
Trusting in your gut and your emotions puts a high price on what the return will be, but it's the trust part that we have to depend upon to be true and correct; that everything will work out in the long run...or at least we hope it will work out...

All of us depend to an extent on trust even if we don't believe it or not. 
We all trust that people are going to stop at the red traffic light, we trust that our job will be there for us tomorrow, we trust that we will be happy with a good home cooked meal and companionship, we trust that God has a plan and we are part of it, we trust that our neighbors will help us when we need it, we trust that our friends will be there for us, we trust that our soul mate or husband or wife will not leave us, we trust that our car will start everyday, we trust that our home will be safe from intruders, we trust that our children and our animals will remain healthy and happy and live long lives and we trust that our friends and family will outlive us so that we do not have to shelter the burden of their loss alone; without them.

In my opinion, this is wrong.
We all tend to be selfish when it comes to trust  and we "trust" that trust will be there for us tomorrow and all of the times that we truly need it.  But really, it can't be there for us all of the time, can it?
We wish upon a star, but do we allow for the time needed when that star is not there?  Or do we think about the time it took for that star to be born?  Do we look past the twinkling and really wonder why we are here and where we are going?  That's trust and so many of us just allow it be the catalyst for what is to come, what is to be, what is to happen. What we think it should be for US.
Can we really live our lives and do this?
Can we "trust" that the stars will be up above and the soft grass below wriggling between our toes?
I can't answer that and it brings pain to my heart.  To my life.  To my relationship with my God and my feelings and my thoughts and I wonder why on earth is this life that I'm living so different today than it was yesterday and could I have made changes that would dictate where I was today if I had changed one thing yesterday or last year on October 15, 2010?

It all boils down to if I could change the world, re-connect the dots and make them all appear in perfect alignment, turn back the clock to last year could I have made some type of distinction and known that one year later things would be so different?

If I only had a crystal ball, maybe tonight I would peer into it and see that things really are not that bad, the dots are starting to connect for me on the good days and inside my crystal ball I can see a redhead inside a little heart shaped box who is grinning ear to ear.

Gratitude and Struggles

Sometimes we think of gratitude as a thank you or as a offer of thanks for something.
      It’s being grateful and thankful and interpretive and forever indebted.
      Some people experience  and give gratitude more than others.

Wikipedia defines Gratitude as:
“An emotion that occurs after people receive help, depending on how they interpret the situation. Specifically, gratitude is experienced if people perceive the help they receive as (a) valuable to them, (b) costly to their benefactor, and (c) given by the benefactor with benevolent intentions (rather than ulterior motives)”.

Of the many emotions such as affection, compassion, euphoria, hope, inspiration, kindness, love, sadness, optimism, and patience ….. they force us to delve into the past, present and future at both opportune and inopportune times in our lives.
Lately I have been having a problem finding my gratitude and gratefulness in my everyday life and in my future.  I know I should be grateful for my health, my love in my life and so many of the other things in my daily life that I take for granted. Lately it has been hard. I feel lost and frustrated and mad and angry at what life has offered up to me and what it has left me with since Di passed.  I don't have the "connections" with Di that kept me keeping on anymore and I've displaced my feelings into a small box that I just want to throw into the ocean and let the tide carry away.

Di's birthday is coming up very soon and it is taking everything in my soul and my being to not turn my back on the future and focus on the past; the past I had shared with Di and the memories that we made; those are what I am grateful for.  Struggling with not having her here to hug and bring a birthday card to is taking a toll on my feelings and my actions.  I miss her and I will miss her everyday and every year and every holiday and every moment that I turn my head and think a thought in my mind...that I so want to share with her.  Not anymore, never again will I be able to laugh with her or hear her laugh that tickled my inner soul.  

So, I'm looking for ways to bring the gratitude back into my life....
I found this awesome article Ways To Find Gratitute

Peace.
Love.
Cath

John Denver Oct 12, 1997 - 2010

I can almost remember the day like it was yesterday.
Di and I were studying for an abnormal psych exam in the dining room of Patty's house and in the background we had music playing and then the news came on and said that John Denver had died in a plane crash.  The two of us just looked at one another, unable to speak. We were both in shock.

We had that connection of Country Roads and Annie's Song and Rocky Mountain High.

Too soon, too sad and what a loss.
Now it's years later and today I listened to JD and recollected on that afternoon I spent with Di, remembering the important parts of my life, the days and dates that mark and put a tick in our memory and resonate forever. 

1 a Minute

Every 69 seconds, somewhere in the world, a woman dies of breast cancer. NCM Fathom and UniGlobe Entertainment have partnered to offer breast cancer survivors and supporters a moving and inspirational docu-drama, 1 a Minute, a LIVE One night event in over 500 theaters nationwide on October 6, 2010.

Written, produced and directed by Indo-American actress and breast cancer survivor Namrata Singh Gujral of Americanizing Shelley and Kaante and narrated by Kelly McGillis from Top Gun, 1 a Minute features a group of international superstar breast cancer survivors, including Olivia Newton-John, Melissa Etheridge and many others.

Mortality and all it's confusion

MORTALITY

"We should think more about it, and accustom ourselves to the thought of death. We can't allow the fear of death to creep up on us unexpectedly. We have to make the fear familiar, and one way is to write about it. I don't think writing and thinking about death is characteristic only of old men. I think that if people began thinking about death sooner, they'd make fewer foolish mistakes."

--Shostakovich

I don’t ever want time to pass by without recounting its importance.
Time ticks on the clock as hours, minutes and seconds race by us everyday.

Everything we say and do is an important milestone in our trek across the great divide of life.

People form the basis of our lives, our relationships, our contacts, and our foundation of whether it's important to get out of bed each morning and function or just lie there and stare at the ceiling hoping time will replay itself and everything will go away. Those people in our lives sometimes are the catalysts that compel us to move forward, move on, move away or just plain move.

It’s like building a house, you need your foundation to be strong to support your building for many years and a relationship is so similar to this type of infrastructure.

When speaking of mortality as humans we tend to get mushy and nostalgic and our emotions run high and sometimes overtake our actions. In the fairy tales that were read to us as children, nothing bad really ever happens, the prince gets the girl, the shoe fits and all evil doers are banished from kingdoms. Not such the case in real life. In real life, people hardly ever get what they want unless they win the lottery and then they blow all their money and end up homeless and penniless, our shoes are always tight, and the evil doers and crooks and thieves always tend to get off with just the slap of the hand.

I’m the glass is always half-empty girl, the pessimist, the one that is trying to look around the corner to see what bad things are coming my way. I find it hard to find the “good” in things sometimes…

Di always looked at the positive side; she found the “spin” to make those bad things at least manageable and she did it while smiling. She did it for those around her, those that she loved because it was the way that she operated.

What is the difference and distinction between fictitious and factual and good and malevolent and moral and immoral? Is it the realization that we have lived to the fullest extent of our human life in preparation for the next level. What is the next level or next great feat that we must prepare for in terms of human understanding? Or is it the justification that our time has come, our body is tired and worn and decrepit? What is the justification, the pay off, that one final, last dance?

For everything and everyone there is a season (I think this was a song from the 70’s proclaiming this prophecy and also proclaiming that for everything and everyone there is a reason - Di would know the name of it I'm sure). Why do we force the reasoning of others and ourselves into the thoughts of ourselves and others? Would we live much more peaceful if there were never forced thoughts or forced consequences for our actions? Or would we falter and unwillingly turn the other cheek and just move on and miss out on a part of our memories?

I remember taking philosophy so many years ago and talking with Di about the reasoning and whys and why not’s of why we all philosophically “do” something. Her answer was always close to what I knew it would be; the same answer I always came up with too….”everything happens for a reason, Cath”.
I have lived my life for as long as I can remember like a locked person in a glass house peering out, watching, waiting and wondering when my break out would happen. I was sheltered and kept a prisoner in my own home after Nancy died. I would tour the dark halls at night alone peering into the shrine of my beloved sister that held pristine sheets you could bounce a quarter off, windows decorated with cotton- candy- colored frilly curtains freshly pressed and cleaned weekly. Her bed was lined from top to bottom with her stuffed animals, her dolls and her jewelry box with the little ballerina ready at a whim to dance all sat perched above the bed on a shelf. In her closet, the bar had been lowered to her height and it was lined with dresses and shoes with black buckles and purses hanging in wait for the next great adventure. It smelled so fresh in the closet; her clothes were washed more than once a week and still smelled like fabric softener. The Candy Land game sat alone on top of her bureau and all of her brightly colored beads were hanging from the bedpost finials of her tiny white washed twin bed posts. Her sunbonnet was perched on her pillow just waiting for her to snatch it up and plop it on her head. No one had lived in that room for months but it was the same as it was the day that she left for good to visit the hospital and it remained that way for years.

I found a wonderful quote from Morrie Schwartz, in the book that Mitch Albom wrote about his experience with Morrie in his Tuesday’s with Morrie book that really sums it all up; life, death, mortality…

It's natural to die. The fact that we make such a big hullabaloo over it all is because we don't see ourselves as part of nature. We think because we're human we're something above nature. We're not. Everything that gets born, dies. Do you accept that?

All right. Now here's the payoff. Here is how we are different from those wonderful plants and animals. As long as we can love each other, and remember the feeling of love we had, we can die without ever really going away. All the love you created is still there. All the memories are still there. You live on--in the hearts of everyone you have touched and nurtured while you were here.


Death ends a life, not a relationship.

Well said......
Peace.
Love.
Good thoughts your way - everyday for an eternity and longer.

Constellation: Di Brich | Stand Up To Cancer

Cancer is insidious and it knows no boundaries. SU2C was created as a bridge to gap the inadequacies that are currently seen in the fight against all cancers. It is a "place" for those to retreat to and build courage, trust and the added zing needed in the fight against cancer with donations going directly to research. Too many people have been lost to cancer and without the proper funding and channeling of those funds it will continue to wreak havoc on the lives and the lives of the families of those that suffer from cancer. That is the purpose of SU2C.


Di was a blessing to me and her life was cut short because of this awful disease.

View Di's star below and donate in her memory if you are able to.  We need to take a stand against cancer.

Stand Up To Cancer - TUNE IN ON SEPTEMBER 10

SU2C has a wonderful area where you can donate and then name a star for someone.

Check out this link for Di's star!

Constellation: Di Brich Stand Up To Cancer

It's a lovely way to honor someone who touched your heart...

Peace.

Cath

Survival and A Broken Heart

"Things don't go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be."

                                                                                                     Charles "Tremendous" Jones

I think that this quote exemplifies to give us strength to move forward and onward and to push towards our goals.  However, I in no way will ever be "healed" from the loss of Di.  I think that are parts of our soul, our brains and our bodies that find ways to cover up the devastating parts of our lives and package them deep within to allow us to move forward.  I think this is what we call memories.  Memories and what we remember as memories are usually happy times in the colloquial sense but nonetheless, we also have those painful memories that force us to whip back into the dark spaces of our thoughts and imagination and recollections.  But, we have to find a way to survive after loss.

Don't get me wrong, I have good memories of Di, but there is that painful place that I can see myself sitting on an empty bench with tears in my eyes, grieving.  I think that the good memories take turns with those sorrowful and sad memories on a continual basis.  Change, flick, fade to black, resurface, click all in a loop that sometimes it is hard to shut my eyes for fear that I will experience the loss all over again.

For years, I worked with traumatic brain injury survivors who delegate their days based on their injury.  Some survivors experience short term memory loss and others experience long term memory loss.  The most common loss with these survivors is short term memory loss and it is brutal and unnerving most of the time for them.  Their mind continually 'replays' their last thoughts, actions and spoken words which forces them to repeat their lives over and over again.  But, they are survivors.
I believe that this is how our minds process death, we go over and over and over again the loss, the despair, the memories, the reminders, the smiles, the hugs, the tears and the rememberance of those that we have lost.  It replays like a broken record and takes us 'back' to the place our mind was at when it all happened. 
If only there were a switch that we could turn off, go back to normal like it was before the loss occurred...

My heart is still broken from the loss of Di...