12.28.2012

Em ... The Birthday Girl

Today is the birthday of Di's first born, Em....I hope your day is special and filled with love and hugs


Peace, Love and Hugs Forever,
Cath

12.25.2012

Merry Christmas

Another year, another time of peace on earth and goodwill to all men.
May your blessings be many and your cares be few.

Di would have loved Jozi I think.....we sure love her


Those EARS oh my gosh they are so wonderful!
Airplane would be so proud to have Jozi as his friend I think...

Peace....
Goodwill....
Prayers....
Hugs....
Love,
Cath

11.19.2012

Happy Birthday Ben

Today is a special day for Di's Benno....another birthday and another year grown!


Peace, Love and Hugs,
Cath

11.16.2012

Di Has Been Joined By Another Angel

Always a proud Pop....
Di's father passed away and I send my thoughts and prayers to the family who will miss him so very much.
He always had a hello for me and in the years before he became ill he was always the "go to" pop.
During the last months of Di's life he was failing in health and his memory that had been so sharp for so many years was failing him.  We lost a great man who always put his family first; no matter what, when or where.
Daniel we will miss you.

November 16, 2012



Here's to you pop....God Bless and I'm sure that you will have a hard time getting a word in with Di at your side in heaven.




The last picture I have of Di and Pops on Di's last birthday 2009
 Peace,
Prayers,
Love and Hugs,
Cath

11.15.2012

3 Years Passed - Gone But Never Forgotten

My Girl, Our Girl...That Girl...Missed So Much

Hard to believe that that time has passed so quickly and it has been 3 years since I last saw Di. 
So many words, so many thoughts and so many memories....

As much as I try

I know that I never said enough hellos

To get me through that final goodbye
As much as I try

I can’t fight the tears that both stream down my face
And line the inner part of my soul with the loss

That I keep feeling even after this time that has passed
As much as I try

I know that I never said enough hellos
To get me through that final goodbye

The last day that I held your hand
Kissed your forehead twice; once for me and once for him

And voice cracking unable to verbalize my love
In that crowded room of love

I knew then that there would be no more hellos
To get me through that final goodbye...

You are so missed and so needed for me and mine and ours and yours, Di.

Peace, hugs, love....
Tenderness, wishes....
Tears and memories forever,
Cath

10.16.2012

Happy Birthday To My Girl

Happy Birthday to my girl, Di!
I have so many wishes and so many feelings and so many thoughts about not having her here to wish her happy birthday.  Miss her so very much.


Forever in my heart and in my daily thoughts,
Peace and Love
Hugs and Tears,
Cath

9.11.2012

9/11/12






My I WILL is.....


I WILL save a place in my heart for you and yours and ours and mine ..... in memory of Di




Peace and Love and Hugs and Memories....
Cath

9.02.2012

I Still Remember...

I still remember the day the world took you back and; there was never time to thank you for the thousand scattered moments you left behind and I wish I would have hugged you more.

I think I'm finding some of those scattered moments and I've been compiling them altogether...


Peace and Love,
Cath

8.27.2012

8-27-2012 Two Years Passed

Remembering 2 years ago where I was, where I was standing and the tears that I was wearing and the words that I still carry with me today.....

As I drank my first cup of coffee today, I thought of Di, just like I do every day. She is in my thoughts, in my actions and in my heart always. Di found a place in each and every one of our hearts and she will remain there as long as we never forget to laugh and enjoy the memories of the past while we move forward and live our lives just as she would have wanted us all to do. All the love that Di created is still here with us all and it is comforting for me to know that she made such an indelible impact on so many people in the short time that she shared her love and her life with all of us.


Today is Di’s day August 27, 2010...     

We take time out of our busy schedules, our confusing lives and all of the demands that we have to acknowledge that for all of those years after Di’s diagnosis she made time everyday and in every way for each and every one of us.

Of course Di probably would have said something like this is not the party that she had planned but I’m sure that she’s been dancing her toes off in heaven and there has been many times that God has told her that she has to let Him talk sometimes too. Today marks the day that there is finally another place in our world for Di; a place for us to all remember, recollect and share our thoughts our dreams and our memories privately and personally.



A quote from one of Di’s favorite places, StoryPeople that I found that exemplifies my feelings is:

I carry you with me into the world,
into the smell of rain
and the words that dance between people
and for me, it will always be this way,
walking in the light,
remembering being alive together.

The importance of people in our lives over the years and the impact that they have caused the day that they crashed into our lives and changed them forever is something that we should never forget.


I will never forget Di.


Peace,
Love,
Tears,
Hugs,
Cath

8.13.2012

Absence

Each moment, second, minute, hour, day, week, month and year remind me of the time that has passed.
One song that holds so many meanings for so many people is Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd....






Peace,
Love,
Hugs,
Cath

7.30.2012

Mondays and Memories

Time passes so quickly but the memories remain...


Peace...
Love...
Kind Words...
Treasured Hugs...
Cath

7.02.2012

Monday Morning Blues


This is something that Di completely believed in.....living life the way that it presents itself and not hiding behind or under a rock....put yourself out there and GO.....just one of the traits that I admired about Di and one of the many things I will never forget about her....even when I'm feeling blue and sad and missing her I think about the power and strength that Di had everyday; before and after the ugly green monster diagnosis.


Peace,
Love,
Laughter,
Loss

Cath

5.29.2012

Evolving Loss

As my loss of Di evolves I look forward to the future and the impact that I can make on the world through my little world. Throughout the years Di and I had silly conversations, serious conversations and conversations when we talked about life and death and reasons and decisions and the manifestations of the ugly cancer monster. I was always the one to start crying first and then Di would give me a big hug and rub my back and tell me that it would be okay.


As a person that has lost a good friend that meant so very much, I often find myself thinking of those last days of Di’s life and the decisions that had to be made that were so very difficult. I know that Di’s ultimate ideal conclusion would have been to be cancer free and go on living her life because she did not want to simply give up. I think that giving up meant making those hard decisions about what type of care to accept and when to accept that the ugly green cancer monster was winning the race.

As I further my career I feel the tug of Di in my life evermore. The subject of Thanatology has been a constant in my mind ever since Di was diagnosed with cancer; but never at the forefront of my education wants because other things always took precedence. Now as I am moving closer to a degree, I am becoming to realize that being authentic and real and make my focus to do the job that I was meant to do, do it right and correct and with much heart.

I remember the day that I was summoned to Di’s house to join in the discussion of what the next path to take would be:

“The room was filled with love and helpfulness and caring but I could not contain my tears and resorted to the kitchen many times where Jerome always seemed to meet me, give me a hug and tell me that Di wanted me there to hear all of this information, to be a support and be involved. I kept feeling the tears welling behind my eye sockets and filling up in my sinus cavity and my cheeks felt so heavy like punching bags right before the tears exploded from my eyes. Di looked so tired. She was angry. She was confused. I know it was the medications talking for the most part but there was still a glimmer of Di left and I could feel it and I knew she was fighting to overcome the effect of the meds. She was adamant and wanted to bring in a hospital bed and set the living room up. She wanted to stay “home”. The talking and discussion turned to what was “best”. I could tell that hearing what was “best” was frustrating for Di. I watched her eyes and she did that little eye roll and turned her head to the side and cocked it left-ward-ly and more than a few times I saw her lock eyes with me and I could feel the pitched essence of her anger (and anger was not something that Di EVER willingly let take over her). Di was angry and combined with the medications “talking” caused Di to lash out at the ugly green cancer monster; mad that cancer caused her bones to be so very brittle, causing her to falter not once but twice and end up with two broken arms all in one birthday weekend and now she was at this point; the point that she worked so hard to fend off for so many years. It was Di that wanted to make the decisions on her own timeline. It was all so difficult “that” day….everyone telling her that it was for the best….she could go and ‘check out and visit’ a hospice facility and the arrangements could be made….all that I remember is her saying no and having to be coaxed into agreeing to only JUST a visit. She said that if she had to go there she wanted a big TV and cable so she could watch her shows and all of the other comforts she enjoyed at home over the years. She did not want to die and she was fighting the entire idea of preparation. I think that day hurt me just as much as the last day that I kissed her forehead twice; once for me and once for him and told her it was okay and that I would miss her so very much; the tears pouring down my face. That day, along with other days remain etched in my memory forever."


In so many ways I wish that plans had been in place before that day, especially for Di. It may have made things “easier” if you can even make death “easier”.

I know that Di did not want to make those decisions early on or even years later after the reoccurrence because that ultimately meant that she was going to die from the ugly green cancer monster after all. But, would it have been easier to have that plan in place, the resources ready and the decisions already made? Would it have been harder to admit that it was “the time”? Would it have been more frustrating for Di at that juncture? Would it have been less heartfelt and more distinctive?

I cannot answer those questions but I truly feel that the time spent putting those plans in place at the exact time that they needed to happen took away the precious time that we all could have spent loving and hugging and talking and laughing with Di.

People need directions, plans, assistance, caring, love and cooperation during the many stages of dealing with the possibility of death and help should always be just a nudge away and easy to navigate.

Peace…
Hugs…
Well Being...
Cath

5.13.2012

Mothers Day ..... Another Year Around The Calendar

Today is another Mother's Day and another Mother's Day without Di. 
The calendar moves so quickly from one birthday to the next holiday.
The "marker" the "place" chosen for her "marker" is one that fills me with sadness nevertheless it is the marker....the day that I left that "place" and every time after that I visit that "place" I find myself walking away with the same sentiment...
"I'll save a place in my heart for you" as I leave that marked place.
I only wish everyday that I did not have to have a place "saved" in my heart for the memory of Di because this is where the hurt remains.  I wish she was here so that I could give her a Mother's Day card and hear that boisterious laugh and get one of those terrific Di hugs that I have missed...

Love to Di and her mother and sister and all of the other mothers out there today and always that give unconditional love.

Peace, Love and Hugs...
Cath

5.05.2012

Birthday Girl Chloe

Today marks another birthday for one of Di's girls.
I cannot believe how quickly time has passed since she left us and how sad I still am that she is not here to wish her youngest a very happy birthday. 
She is with us in spirit and she will continue to be Mom for her children and the love that she gave will forever stay in their hearts.

Happy Birthday Chloe.  May the love that you your mom gave to you run through your spirit and land in your heart today!


Peace, Good Birthday Wishes and LOVE always.....
Cath

4.08.2012


Happy Easter!



Peace and Love and Hugs
Another holiday remembering....
Cath

3.28.2012

A Poet Angel

I have spoken about Adrienne Rich and the poetry reading that Di and I attended and one of her most famous works in past blog posts.  She passed away Tuesday, March 27th, 2012 and has joined the brigade of angels in heaven and I am sure that she has brought her book of poems and is writing in a frenzy as I type here. 

The words that Adrienne wrote are compelling, timeless, a visonary of feminism and a woman that stood by her convictions through the turbulent times that she lived in. 

Another of her poems is "Song" that epotimizes the issue of being and feeling alone in this big world.
Lonely is how I feel when I think about Di and how much I miss her everyday.

Song

by Adrienne Rich


You're wondering if I'm lonely:
OK then, yes, I'm lonely
as a plane rides lonely and level
on its radio beam, aiming
across the Rockies
for the blue-strung aisles
of an airfield on the ocean.

You want to ask, am I lonely?
Well, of course, lonely
as a woman driving across country
day after day, leaving behind
mile after mile
little towns she might have stopped
and lived and died in, lonely


If I'm lonely
it must be the loneliness
of waking first, of breathing
dawns' first cold breath on the city
of being the one awake
in a house wrapped in sleep


If I'm lonely
it's with the rowboat ice-fast on the shore
in the last red light of the year
that knows what it is, that knows it's neither
ice nor mud nor winter light
but wood, with a gift for burning

NPR Morning Edition - Soundbites and Interview

Peace, Love, Treasures and Silences....
Cath

3.01.2012

Fond Memories, Replacements and Direction

Di
It’s too late for me to find another GIRL.  There’s not enough time to find and hold another one dear.

I don’t want to have to rely on my memory to stay bright and long; I want to document the things, the people, the stuff, the days, the time, the energy and the memories of my beloved.  Natalie Merchant sings about My Beloved Wife on one of her cds and I remember vividly the night that Di and I went to see her in concert so many years ago.  I didn’t have a date; as usual during that time in my life when I was shunning all male-kind for being jerks and Di was there to pick me up, dust me off and make me enjoy the little things that life had to offer like sitting at the pottery wheel and singing, sitting in the car and chatting for what seemed like forever then or just hanging out drinking a cup of joe. 

The concert hall was fabulous and on the grand piano, there was a bunch of six calla lilies, all white and bursting with life.  The music started and we were in the front row, center aisle.  I had won the tickets from a radio call-in.  I had never won anything from a radio show before and Di was the first person I thought of taking when I heard I had won.  Music was in Di’s soul; it had always been there, I think.  When she got nervous, I could hear her humming.  Sometimes during an exam that we took (we always took classes together no matter if I needed the class or not), I think that I could hear her sweet voice humming far above the octaves of the silence in the room.  And then she would crack her knuckles; that big busty beautiful ring of hers would move and shimmer.  As she bent her index finger on her right hand, she would wrap her left hand around the other in a cuddling motion and you would hear a little crack; nothing boisterous, just a calm breath that her muscles took every once in awhile.  She was a lefty. God I miss that.  I miss knowing that those hands of hers will not be there to dial the phone to call me, to give me a hug, to point her finger at me in both approving and disapproving ways.  I just plain miss it. 

Our history began “many moons ago” as Di would say.
It was uncomplicated in the purest sense. 
We were both taking an Abnormal Psychology class and attending a much unorganized study group.
I looked at her, she looked at me.
She came and sat next to me. 
She had a bright yellow shirt on, beautiful red hair and a huge purse.
I can’t say I wasn’t scared,  but I was a little unsure of this very approachable being.
She smiled so big and when she sat next to me,  and I felt a sense of calmness and I think at that point somewhere deep in my soul, I knew that this friendship would last.
We chatted and giggled about the ‘leader’ of the study group and both of us grumbled about this darn class that brought us together.  The teacher had no sense of anything other than him and wanted to spend the entire class lecture talking about his experiences and then always ended the class with telling us to read the text even though we never once opened a page of the text in the class.  All tests would be from the book.  Oh great. 
We were both worried that we would fail the class for sure if something did not get moving with this study group and Di told me that I could come to her house and we could study together. 
I took her up on that and showed up on her doorstep a few evenings later.
That changed my life forever.
We realized connections that evening because a good friend of mine had just lost her brother and I told Di that I needed to leave early to go to the wake and as we chatted I realized that my good friend had been neighbors with Di and her family.  Such a small world. 
With Di, I was forced to look in different directions in my life that I had not peeked into for many years.
There was a real family here with real kids and real dinner and a wonderful amazing dog named Airplane with ears that as Emily described would easily take him into flight.  Spike and Spur were also the resident cats in their household. It was a true home with love and loudness and laughter.
Em was young, Ben was younger and Chloe was just a little one.  Now they are all practically grown up and full functioning and stable minded young adults all with their own sense of passion and kindness.
I was always so proud to talk about Di and Jerome and the way that they had over the years raised their kids.  There is such an influence of every genre of music and the arts and the occasional comic relief with a bit of theology thrown in for good measure.  God is the center of things and had always been in the their household. 

At the old house (before the Blvd house), I remember the laundry shoot that Di absolutely hated, the basement where Jerome and his boys jammed and where we smoked an endless amount of cigarettes and spent hours talking and laughing.  The tiny kitchen where for the first time that Di cut my hair, she made me sit on that little stool and she pulled out all of her tools and just went to work right in the middle of the tiny kitchen.  We gabbed about the little things in life while she cut my hair like she was snipping the herbs that she was growing in her kitchen window that she added to fabulous recipes, Ellen and the coming out show when she told America she was a lesbian to the marble that was broken in the long buffet that lined the east wall in the dining room that was always an agnst.  And the house and the place where I introduced them to my soul mate.  Those are memories that can never be forgotten and memories that leave me a little teary eyed because I can't go back to that time ever again. 

Time is a direction and a place and an attitude that forces us to make changes and find replacements while we revel in the background.

Peace and Love and Kindness,
Cath

2.14.2012

Happy Valentine's Day

She said she usually cried at least once each day not because she was sad, but because the world was so beautiful and life was so short.... storypeople.com


Peace and Love and Hearts and Hugs today...
Remembering the first time I gave Di a Valentine's Day card and it said I loved her just like a mom......and I truly meant it then as I do today and as I will tomorrow......

Cath

2.07.2012

Jerome - Happy Birthday

Jerome,



Another year gone by so fast and upon us is another birthday.
I am sure that Di is sending hugs your way and I am sending my words of wishes to you.

Take care of YOU and celebrate your day just the way you want to!

Peace always,
Cath

1.09.2012

Poem - Life Is Short - We've So Much To Do Yet

Remembering going to many book and poetry readings with Di over the years at UNO, there were a few writers that touched my soul and few others that I wish I had the pleasure of meeting and listening to.  Di and I talked about this poem written by Adrienne Rich and I had hoped that she would be one of the writers at one of the seminars but it never happened.  Di and I talked about the enormity of the words used in From An Atlas of the Difficult World prior to her being diagnosed with cancer but I think that this poem was a preclude to what lies in every stretch of every imagination and the importance of always understanding that there is difficulty and there is also a way around the difficulty even if it is not the way we wish it would be....


From An Atlas of the Difficult World


I know you are reading this poem
late, before leaving your office
of the one intense yellow lamp-spot and the darkening window
in the lassitude of a building faded to quiet
long after rush-hour. I know you are reading this poem
standing up in a bookstore far from the ocean
on a grey day of early spring, faint flakes driven
across the plains' enormous spaces around you.
I know you are reading this poem
in a room where too much has happened for you to bear
where the bedclothes lie in stagnant coils on the bed
and the open valise speaks of flight
but you cannot leave yet. I know you are reading this poem
as the underground train loses momentum and before running
up the stairs
toward a new kind of love
your life has never allowed.
I know you are reading this poem by the light
of the television screen where soundless images jerk and slide
while you wait for the newscast from the intifada.
I know you are reading this poem in a waiting-room
of eyes met and unmeeting, of identity with strangers.
I know you are reading this poem by fluorescent light
in the boredom and fatigue of the young who are counted out,
count themselves out, at too early an age. I know
you are reading this poem through your failing sight, the thick
lens enlarging these letters beyond all meaning yet you read on
because even the alphabet is precious.
I know you are reading this poem as you pace beside the stove
warming milk, a crying child on your shoulder, a book in your
hand because life is short and you too are thirsty.
I know you are reading this poem which is not in your language
guessing at some words while others keep you reading
and I want to know which words they are.
I know you are reading this poem listening for something, torn
between bitterness and hope
turning back once again to the task you cannot refuse.
I know you are reading this poem because there is nothing else
left to read there where you have landed, stripped as you are.

-- Adrienne Rich





Peace and love and kindness and tears all tucked into one little perfect basket with so much left to do yet and so much that never got done...
Cath



The people we meet form the foundation of our lives that when built upon allow us to bloom and blossom in ways that we never would have anticipated.