5.15.2010

6 Month Tab In Time...


182.621099 days
without hearing that contagious laugh 
seeing those blue eyes light up
and feeling the warmth of a Di hug.

People say things like "I can't believe that it's been that long already."  "Where has the time gone?" 
Believe me, I can feel every tick on the clock, every day that adds up to another and the quickness of how it all slips by too fast to soak it all up at once.

Time for me moves too quickly, but in relevance, time is a metaphor for a commodity that we all value for many different reasons. Time is limited, can be shared, communicated, rationalized and can be used to set goals and attain success.  Conceptualization of time is a journey of mental formulation within our own pieces, parts, thoughts, hopes, wishes and dreams.

For me, time at this point, is just another tick on the clock, another step back in the past to pull out the memories that I have lodged in my heart and my soul and my brain.The place that I stepped back into over 6 months ago is a a place that I have forever in my memory of the time that we all still had Di and still had the hopes, the wishes and the dreams of a future.  I still haven't stepped out of that place but every once in awhile I put my tippy toes out there and crick my neck to see if I can see what the future holds. Twice I have been to Di's since she left and I can feel both the emptiness and also the love that still exists in the confines of those house walls. 

I never had the chance to tell Di, to thank Di for the time that she invested in our friendship and the love that she afforded me over the years.  She was always there for me, always made time for me even if she had something else on her calendar of the day.  She made the connection of the conceptualization of time and the importance of it for everyone that was touched by her warmth, generosity and beauty of her soul.

For the first time since we lost Di, I dreamt about her last night.
She was smiling at the dining room table, Jerome, Em, Ben and Chloe and me were all there and she looked beautiful.  We were drinking coffee and discussing talking about the upcoming graduation for Chloe.  Di still had her radiant red hair, her beautiful brilliant smile and she was wearing a blue polo shirt and a pair of capri "skinny" jeans.  I asked her what happened since she looked so skinny and she told me that all the hard work has paid off, she finally lost the weight and then she asked me "what happened to you, Cath?  Why have you gained so much weight?"  I could only tell her that I didn't know why but in the back of mind I remember thinking that since I lost Di I've just went in all different directions and just let things "go".  I remember not telling her these things because I didn't want the dream to end because it felt so real being at her house in the yellow dining room sitting around the table soaking in all of the lines of the walls, the colors and vibrant conversations floating above us all.  It all felt so real.  Until I woke up to the sound of the birds chirping outside my window at 5 a.m. and the cats meowing for their breakfast.  Dammitt.

I have often thought about and mentioned signs of Di in my life and hopefully this dream was the first of many signs and thoughts and feelings that will take me through my years.  I think this was a sign in some
non-descript way, because this is the mark in time that cements 6 months since our loss and this is the first time that I have had any dreams with Di in them. 

I love YOU Di.
I miss YOU Di.
Thank YOU Di

I hope that God is allowing you to share your time and joy and love and warm hugs with everyone, I sure could use one today, from you, though.

Cath

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