As we approach the anniversary of Di’s death I…contemplate, reflect and find myself retreating again because another milestone is coming up; another tick on the clock and another date to look at on the calendar with sadness.
And this time a year ago tough decisions were being made about care and comfort and the time was so raw and so present having to make decisions and see Di struggling so much.
Di always knew that this time of the year was very hard for me; it has always been. Marking my own "tick on the clock" and the date that defines my persona and my life and who I am brings sadness and contemplation and loss and wants all back in a rush for me. It makes me want to turn back time and now after this day it makes me want to be able to turn back time even more so and pick up the phone because it's ringing and I know who is calling; it's Di to wish me happiness. But it didn't happen yesterday and it will never happen again.
Since my little angel could not call and speak to me yesterday I think she must have provided the means to inform someone that they needed to make a very important and long overdue call. I've always believed in coincidences and that everything does happen for a reason and I think that a very special angel gave someone a very hard tap on the shoulder and may have even dialed the phone for him.
I was suprised and shocked to receive a phone call yesterday. It has been many years since I've heard those words "Happy Birthday" and "I Love You" from him.
It was good and maybe this will lead to more of these phone calls to happen in the future....
It would be good to reconnect again and bring a balance to the uneasiness and instability.
One thing that Di told me on the last day that we spent time together when she was in the hospital on Friday, November 13, 2009, was that I needed to make the "contacts" with him, make the first move, make the distinction and come to the realization that he does NEED to be in my life as much as I need to be in his life. Di was in her final days and we were talking about my problems and she was giving me advice and telling me what to do. She was even asking about others that were not well and wanting to know about them and giving her hopefulness to their struggles. She was always more worried about others than herself. That was Di. It always was.
I think she was trying in her heart of hearts to prepare me for the next phase of what my life could and would offer me in the coming years. She knew. She always did, I believe.
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