Today is the day between the last day that I talked with Di and the last day of Di's life...
I honestly did not ever think in my wildest of dreams that I would be looking back on the last days of Di's life one year later. It's all because I'm still hurting. Still raw. Still lonely without 'my girl'.
I remember one year ago; the day before on Friday, November 13, 2009, I sat with Di in the hospital and we chatted and held hands and talked about so many things as we watched The Ellen Show together. Forget about the bland hospital room, the beeping of machines and the insistence of people who only wanted the best for Di. She wanted to watch Ellen and hang out. We did just that.
I had the privelage of hearing Di sing to me too, that day.
Apparently, she had been doing this daily and I got to hear her last performance; so sweet and so beautiful. I wished I would have recorded it; if I would have thought about it, I have video on my phone and I just did not take the time to THINK to do this. It makes me sad to know that since I did not think to record this moment, it is lost; but really it's not - it's in my memory. A special gift from Di.
As I listened to her words she sang and held tight to her hand, I outlined her face, her features, her nose, her lips, her eyes and her prominent jaw line tracing her features and her face and her baldness as she sang to me. To this day, I cannot remember even one of the words to the song and can't even remember the name of the song.
When I got ready to leave that afternoon, Di had made the choice to take a stronger medication to help her sleep and before I left I told her that I would "ring her up on Saturday" and she told me that I better make sure to as she waved her cell phone at me. I gave her hugs, cried all over her bed sheet and she held my hand tightly and told me that she loved me much....and that we would have more "days". Then I left with a heavy heart. Friday the 13th's are typically bad days all around or at least we have come to recognize them as so, but on this Friday the 13th I got to enjoy "my girl" for awhile and sit and chill with her. I was privileged to be there, be there with Di.
I tried to ring her up on Saturday morning, Saturday afternoon and then in the evening. No answer; it only went to voice mail...then I called Jerome's cell and I could feel the sadness through the phone, through the words he was saying. Things were not looking good. Family was there and it had been a long a difficult Friday night and Saturday morning and afternoon.
Time was catching up and the ugly green cancer monster was beckoning again....and he was not going to wait much longer. We knew that. Di knew that. We were losing the battle, losing our girl, our husband, our daughter, our mom, our aunt, our sister, our niece, our best friend in the world all to something as stupid as cancer and the complications that it causes.