12.27.2010

Illuminations and Ponderings

Staring into the lights twinkling on the Christmas tree this year I am reminded of the insurmountable loss over the past two years. This is two Christmases without Di and they just keep adding up. Untangling my heart from the knots that resonate in my soul is even more difficult at this time of year because it brings up memories of those that we lost and makes me make the realization that the losses and the sorrows are always and forever with me. To be okay again is a mighty feat. To lie and say “I’m fine” just masks the underlying sadness and sorrow. Is it okay to be lying and masquerading behind the lies? For many it is not, for me at the time, “its fine”. I still do feel like sometimes I just can’t breathe through the thickness of all of it, all of the feelings of emptiness but somehow I shoulder through it all. Some people cannot understand how some people just can’t move on. I am moving on but the heaviness and the sadness remain still. Celebrations and happiness cover over the mystique of sadness and block it out throughout the times of needed functionality in my life.

What is really true is that I have been trying to put on a brave suit of armor every day. Facing my fears of isolation, loneliness and sadness is something that I do every day, but I do it in the quiet spaces of my mind and my soul. I am strong but underneath it all I lapse more than momentarily when I find myself reverting and regurgitating the loss of Di. Soon the flowers in my garden will show their strength and start shooting upwards searching for the warmth of the sun….if only I could be a flower.

I have been trying really hard to open my heart to new friends and new acquaintances but the smiles I portray at times or at best are only a little bit of who I and how much I am willing to sacrifice at the time. I am truly afraid to open my heart I think. I almost feel like I just don’t have the time to waste and I know that’s a harsh thought, but it’s hard to fathom taking the time out of my life to make new friends and then spending the time needed to nurture those relationships over the years…..relationships take time. I have moved into the anger stage recently and I do not like this stage much because I find myself mad that Di left…wasn’t this stage supposed to happen so very long ago? I know that we all move through and throughout the stages of death and dying differently but this is really throwing me off track lately. But, I just keep moving on, going through the motions of the days on my calendar hoping that someday soon I will be okay again and return to the person that I am meant to be and find more people to surround my life with happiness and contentment and peace.

Peace to all.

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