12.21.2010

Never Again In This Life


Not In This Life

Lately I've been walking all alone
Through the wind and through the rain
Been walking through the streets and finding sweet relief
In knowing that it won't be long
Lately it's occurred to me
That I've had enough of that
And lately I've been satisfied by simple things
Like breathing in and breathing out
Never again, not in this life
Will I be taken twice
Never again, no never on your life
Will I make that same mistake
I can't make it twice
Lately it's occurred to me
And exactly what went wrong
I realized, I compromised
I sacrificed far too much for far too long
Never again, no not in this life
Will I be taken twice, no no no no
Never again, no never on your life
Will I make that same mistake
I can't make it twice
Starting out from here today
Swear I'm gonna change my ways
Once mistaken in this life
And never never never, never twice
Never again, no not in this life
Will I be taken twice, no no no no
Never again, no never on your life
Will I make that same mistake that I'm gonna make it twice, no no no no
Never again, no never on your life
Will I make that same mistake
I can't make it twice
Starting out from here today
Swear I'm gonna change my ways
Starting out from here today
Swear I'm gonna change my ways
Gonna change my ways
Never again, no never again, no never in this life
I gonna make that same mistake, I'm gonna make it twice
Never again, no never again, no never on your life
I gonna make that same mistake, I'm gonna make it twice



You might be asking yourself why Natalie Merchant, why this particular song, why today?
We've all seen hurt and felt desperation and have found ourselves in quandries at least a few times in our lives.  Recently I have been given the opportunity to possibly "reconnect" with someone from my past; someone that thought I was the center of her world at least for a time (or at least I hope that was the case).  I have not heard from this person in 27 years and it's odd that right before the holidays through the hustle and bustle of daily living that she searches me out and calls and leaves me a message.  Of course there is a complete backstory to this and maybe someday when I complete my novel you'll have the opportunity to read about a child who became motherless just at the time in her life when she really needed that particular figure to help her steer the course of life. 

Making recalibrations on the course that I have set forth upon as a motherless child is a difficult task to decide upon. How should I go about in testing the waters and dipping my foot into that pond that has been gnarled with contempt, anger, desperation, defiance and betrayal? I have learned to have an openness to doubt, to shame, to loneliness and to the magnitude of loss but I do not know if I have the will inside of me to allow the openness to that of betrayal to permeate my being again. This is something that I have to take in slowly, let it churn in the belly of both the beast and myself and then mull it over until it can be deciphered no more and only then make my decision. How do you call your daughter after 27 years right before the holidays and leave a message like you’re calling to confirm a dinner reservation?


When I received that call in November I honestly thought that it was Di tapping him on the shoulder and telling him that he needs to make the call since it was the first time in so many years that I would not hear her voice on my birthday; but now….what is this? Did Di put the wheels into motion, move the cart carrying the years of lost times and catapult HER to this spectrum in time to make her face her demons, her betrayal, her lies and her deceit? I honestly have always believed that everything happens for a reason and at this time, I’m trying to contemplate what on this earth would the reason be.

I understand fully that things are not coincidence, things happen for a reason.

There was a reason that she picked up that phone that afternoon and she called my number; there was a reason that she left a message and left a call back number.

The last day that Di and I spent together, we did talk about “righting” the wrongs and making amends and she was specifically telling me to be open to the challenges that will be thrust upon me in the future and make those connections because they are important. We had talked so many times over the years about my motherless predicament and Di would always tell me that there was a reason that she left, a reason why she did what she did when she did it and the only way that things could be different would be when she would make that first step. Di was right; she was always right and she told me to never approach this situation with anger, instead use the tools that God gave me –compassion and honesty.

After that first message, I wanted so badly to call Di, to tell her that I had a phone message and then I realized that I couldn’t. That hurt more than anything. Then, when the second message came I knew that I couldn’t call Di and I was angry. Angry at the world, angry at cancer, angry at HER for calling me again and angry that I was even in this predicament in the first place.

Placing blame is easy, dealing with blame is harder.

I talk frequently about connections in my writing and I tend sometimes to run amuck; but frankly, connections are what bind us a people to others. I have had the opportunity to make those such connections in my life with those that I have chosen to gather around me as friends and the man that I chose to spend my life with. Unfortunately, over the years I have closed that door on the past and my connections do not include the one that took for granted the relationship bond that we had created at one time and then abandoned their responsibility and their daughter all in one big swoosh.

Can I make the same mistake and open up my heart and my life just as I did so many years ago when the two of us just started to 'connect' as adults and then she walked away will it be as Natalie Merchant says, Not In This Life….

Can I make this choice?
Am I strong enough to make this choice?
Will she allow me to make this choice?
Can I remain a motherless child?


In life you are not always right; in many and most situation you are called to partake in you are only a passenger and throughout the many stops on the way you will run into many circumstances that will challenge your will, break you down and prove that you must have been mislead, but in the end we all hope to master the navigation of our lives in one way or another...

Peace
Love
Contentment of a heavy heart and busy mind...

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The people we meet form the foundation of our lives that when built upon allow us to bloom and blossom in ways that we never would have anticipated.