Struggling to get through the days, muster up enough strength to make it to the tick of the clock that ends the work day and begins the drive home is always difficult. Driving home sometimes feels like an eternity and I wish I could just fling open the car windows, reach my arm out high in the sky and pull the shutters on winter and usher in spring earlier than what it’s arrival is supposed to be and go grab a quick hug from Di.
My husband is an understanding man. He lives with me and even lives with the mess that is me and he never really ever complains other than to say that I need to pick up all my shoes in the entryway. He lives with my crazy ideas, my disorganized office and desk and sometimes (more often than not), the jumbled weaves and twists and turns that my mind takes and gives and gives and takes on a continual basis. It's not unusual for me to have multiple projects going at once; either in my head conjuring up another idea or spread out all over my desk. Sometimes I DO think that I'm moving too fast, that I might be missing some pieces of the puzzle because they fell between the cracks in the garage floor and I can't reach them or I forgot to write something down and I won't be able to complete my tasks. I sometimes have so many things rushing through my brain that I just can't stop and think; think about what it was like when I didn't have so many irons in the fire and feel the calmness that should be resonating in my little soul. Then the phone rings or the alarm in my brain goes off and I have an assignment to complete or a test to take or some photos to edit or bills to pay or dinner to make or laundry to do that's been waiting patiently, perched on a pile for weeks or an email to send or a craft project to finish or to start, or a call to make or some other tasks that I have to do. I sometimes wish it would all stop and I could think quietly without the rush in my brain and my body to 'have to get something done'. I truly want to reside in quiet contemplation and take a deep breath in the moment but my mind never stops turning.
When I do find myself in a unique quiet moment, sometimes I can feel the tears welling up behind my eyeballs as my body takes deeper breaths. I can hear the intake and outake of those breaths during that "breathing time" and that is when I miss the hell out of Di and wish that I could take the time to talk and chat and hug her once again. Keeping myself so busy that I don't have much time for that "breathing time" seems to be paramount in how I am living my life still.... so many times I don't feel like I'll ever get past these flickering pieces of pain; I think they will always be with me.
This week I've been thinking a lot about Di and it's not that I don't ever stop thinking about her, but this past week has been particularly painful and I'm missing her so much more. I'm taking a particularly difficult class this semester that is forcing me to memorize ancient and theoretical concepts from the early ages with faith and to religion and this is an area that I have very little knowledge in. When I had problems with a course or a concept, Di was there to help me work through it, no matter when or what time it was. It breaks my heart to know that my 'go to girl' is not there to help me decipher it all. If anyone knew religion and knew God and knew the history of it all, it was Di. I have tried to 'channel' Di's energy and knowledge but it's just not working yet.....
In some of the classes that we took together previously, Di would help me memorize things the "Di way" and I would remember them and have the confidence that I understood the concepts because Di just had a way of explaining things. When we worked so hard together to pass Abnormal Psych, it was Di that made up acronyms for the conditions and the DSM organization and it was easier to remember and make the connections between the blurred lines.
I only wish I could enjoy a cup of java and combine it with some of that Di magic to help me get through this semester...
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