"Things don't go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be."
Charles "Tremendous" Jones
I think that this quote exemplifies to give us strength to move forward and onward and to push towards our goals. However, I in no way will ever be "healed" from the loss of Di. I think that are parts of our soul, our brains and our bodies that find ways to cover up the devastating parts of our lives and package them deep within to allow us to move forward. I think this is what we call memories. Memories and what we remember as memories are usually happy times in the colloquial sense but nonetheless, we also have those painful memories that force us to whip back into the dark spaces of our thoughts and imagination and recollections. But, we have to find a way to survive after loss.
Don't get me wrong, I have good memories of Di, but there is that painful place that I can see myself sitting on an empty bench with tears in my eyes, grieving. I think that the good memories take turns with those sorrowful and sad memories on a continual basis. Change, flick, fade to black, resurface, click all in a loop that sometimes it is hard to shut my eyes for fear that I will experience the loss all over again.
For years, I worked with traumatic brain injury survivors who delegate their days based on their injury. Some survivors experience short term memory loss and others experience long term memory loss. The most common loss with these survivors is short term memory loss and it is brutal and unnerving most of the time for them. Their mind continually 'replays' their last thoughts, actions and spoken words which forces them to repeat their lives over and over again. But, they are survivors.
I believe that this is how our minds process death, we go over and over and over again the loss, the despair, the memories, the reminders, the smiles, the hugs, the tears and the rememberance of those that we have lost. It replays like a broken record and takes us 'back' to the place our mind was at when it all happened.
If only there were a switch that we could turn off, go back to normal like it was before the loss occurred...
My heart is still broken from the loss of Di...