Death is so hard and so brutal and so raw that it makes us take a look at everything and examine things with a fine tooth comb. Am I worthy? Am I going to be able to go forward? Am I alone now? Am I just feeling this because this is what I am supposed to feel when there is loss? Am I going to recover? Am I willing to recover? Am I the person I want to be today; the person that I was before?
After the loss of another family member, I find myself looking at things again. Recollecting the past, pondering in the present and contemplating the future. Mostly, I have been looking back into my past. Can I really do that? I'm not sure but some days I wish there was a window that you could open up and all the past memories and feelings and smells and experiences would be categorized for you into groups that you could choose from and re-experience them again. Wouldn't that be fabulous? We could take steps back into time at a whim and marvel and dance and sing and laugh and re-cherish those memories whenever we wanted.
Di's passing made me want to reach out and grab everything that I could that I had that was Di-related. I wanted to never forget her, forget the things that she stood for and the things that she liked and loved and wished for.
I spent some time last night talking with my grandmother who told me she is feeling lonely. She is the only surviving sibling in her immediate family since the loss of her brother just last week. A kind soul, a giving soul, a soul that emulated live and happiness and lived with gusto. As a child, the times spent with my great uncle are etched in my memory. He loved to go bowling and take vacations and spend time with family. He had an infectious laugh and when he smiled his eyes seemed to be twinkling. I cannot ever remember a time when he was not happy or smiling about something; except when Nancy died. I think a little part of him died when she died. We all lost a little part of ourselves when Nancy died.
Melvin, my grandmother's brother passed away quickly and with no indication of any health problems. My grandmother told me that she feels alone and it broke my heart to hear those words from her. I wanted to go to her and embrace her and tell her that she is not alone by any stretch of the imagination. She has 15 grandchildren, 15 great grandchildren and 7 children of her own that love her so very much and wish happiness for her and do not ever want her to feel like she is alone.
We are really not alone.