4.13.2010

Faith

Keeping the Faith
Can I keep the faith burning bright in my life?
People talk of faith in many senses of the word.

Emotion is evident of a strong belief in faith. Whether faith is rational, religious, committed or informal we all treat faith and the faith that we believe in with strong gut-charged emotions.

I find that faith is what sustains my being and it’s what cements me to this earth. You can find faith in many places and you can utilize it for many reasons. The attitude of faith is realizing that through the power of faith we can absolve, resolve, correlate, connect, disconnect, confirm, reaffirm and find reasons why our distinctions and characterizations about people, places, things and God occur.

Using all the ingredients that I have for faith and combining them into a culmination of a shared focus to come to a better understanding of me and my faith has taken me on many journeys and given me various perspectives into the who I was, who I am and who I am becoming. It’s a difficult journey that brings me to tears more often than it probably should. I am still on my journey.
Words on the paper are not the same as words on the computer screen. My tears can fall on the paper, sink in and become an amoeba of sorts that leaves my own imprint in the paper for generations to come. You don’t have this option with computer screens and keyboards. It’s similar to holding a photo in your hand vs having a digital file on your computer or reading jargon and news on the computer, you’re not there to witness it; the internet just says it’s happened and you don’t have the luxury of holding it in your hand. It’s not concrete and pliable and palpable, it’s just out there in space floating around above our heads through satellite transmissions or on a little tiny disk or bytes of pixels within the dark spaces of our hidden computer files, flash drives and backup drives.

In the book, “The Power of Now” the author tells you that everyday you should find a ‘shaft of sunlight’ and embrace it and sit in it. I think I need to find my own space of sun and park it most days when I’m feeling blue or alone or without a reason to move forward.

The implication of faith is to trust that the outcome of a situation is going to be positively affirmative and we can then rest on our laurels and enjoy and live and trust and have faith that everything will work out.

During all of the years and times and struggles and procedures and medications and pokes and prods and chemo and radiation and emergency room and hospital stays I held steadfast to the faith within the heart of Di that things would work out. I held on tight and kept myself from ever breaking down and getting down on my faith that everything would resolve itself and there would be a miracle. That my girl would be cured and the pain that her body had been put through for years would end and be felt as being worthwhile for having to endure the agony of it all and win the fight. I’ve felt my faith falter recently since we lost her. I wonder if faith is what kept me going and is now what is keeping me from going. Going on and feeling happy again.

In my life I always felt the need to make a difference. Whether it’s with my photography, my words or my legacy that I leave, I still want to make a difference in someone’s life or someone’s future. I felt with Di that she was doing that every day in every way with every smile and every laugh that came from that place deep inside where it really matters, from her heart.

My faith is being challenged and I am being challenged to do more, be more and make more of what I call my life. It’s hard to become the person that you want to be when you only have the means to be the person you are and you don’t feel like you can move on and forward. I’m just not ready yet. I wonder when I will be ready. If I ever will.

Ever since the weather turned warmer, birds were singing outside my window and the grass was growing greener I have felt a huge pit of loss in my soul and at the same time a pulling of my senses to go out and explore and turn some earth. I knew that when I opted to trod outside I would be hit with not only the mounds of work I need to do to reclaim my backyard and my garden but the feelings of loss all over again for Di. She was my earth-turner.

I finally spent some time in my garden yesterday, the weather was beautiful and I needed to touch the earth, be one with the earth and its immeasurable force. I didn’t get anything accomplished, I have an infestation of baby bunnies taking over my landscaping and even eating the bark off my trees. Di would know what to tell me to do; she would have answers for me and solutions to my problems. My earth turner, my go-to-girl for answers and chats.

She always did.

Always.

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