Being Noble and Good and Analyzing and Rambling...


There is a saying that grief and knowing grief is noble and noteworthy and emblematic of the love that we have for those that have departed too soon. Nowhere does it say that this is going to be easy. Struggling with the death of a loved one whether it is a family member or close friend is exactly that; a struggle. Before the death of a loved one we go about our day and after the death we go about our day in a different way with shards of glass remembrances and utter sadness. Sometimes the silhouettes of sunshine give us glimpses of our loved one but more often than not I find that the sun pierces my eyes with light that I’m not accustomed to. I need the shade to shelter me. Many think that I have moved on; even I believe, my husband thinks this. Crying in the dark spaces of my soul at opportune times allows me to continue the grieving process, I believe. Some I am sure would argue with me. Moments and memories I have are tied to the string that binds my heart to its internal organs keeping me ticking through every day. Having people tug at my string every once in awhile is what keeps me going and moving forward. It’s the things that people want and the bills that I have to pay that keeps me getting up and going through the motions of the days. I want to stress that I am moving forward, but NOT on. It’s still too early to move on.

How do people move on? Do they just close that awesome book they’ve been reading for years and years and put it back on the shelf to gather dust? Or, do they ignore the resemblance of reminders that link them to their lost loved one? Maybe some are able to deal better than others but does this make those people more pristine than all the rest of us? Are these people who are able to move through the dying process quickly and without much care only prolonging their alleged fate of suffering or do we silently want to call them heartless or uncaring? Questions to ask, inventories to prod and time machines to invent. What does all of this say about our world, our lives our relationships with loved ones and with God?

Death and sorrow go hand in hand walking through the inner spaces of our inner beings. Longing to reconnect and to reissue a recall on God’s chosen one. “Can’t you take someone else or better yet; how about taking a holiday and leave everyone to live today?” This would have been my talk with God that day if I had had a choice. But, the choice was not mine; the road was already paved long before I even knew I am sure. There was a calling that to a higher power I could not compete with.

The pontification of living a life through all the means available without cares is truly a sham. We all face struggles, heartbreak, fits of sheer anger and distress and loss. Through the slow euthanasia of life we walk through both the light and dark spaces of our past, present and future with trepidation and idle confidence. Some wish to know what is in store for them, while others choose to let the road lead the way by taking the steps that integral forces allow them to take. Step. Step. Step. Trip and fall. Step. Stumble. Step. Step. Step. Step.

I have been reading extensively on palliative or terminal sedation (some would call it palliative care), and the right to live and die and have found that there is a split divide between those that believe that dying is a persons right and living is the right of others not directly involved in the lives of people. Allowing physicians to offer sedation at the end-of-life thus allowing the “O” effect to occur and death to come more quickly than so many have imagined is a hot topic. In Oregon, there is a law that protects those individuals that choose to die. I have seen death at other times in my life; even sat with a patient and her husband and watched first her die while I comforted both of them and then he also passed away just hours after his dear wife passed away and I was there with him also. Death beckoned my doorstep on a very warm November morning in 2009. I am still reeling from the loss of her.

Without sedation, the pain is shriller and the thoughts and opinions may be more profoundly idealistic and vocalistic but what is the ‘proper’ way to deal with this? Is this more of a merciful way to deal with the issue or not? The lethal finality of induced sedation through the use of pain medications is an arsenal that is closely shrouded in the manifest of the human physician; whom we all regard as being more-than-human, per se.

Whether we are looking at survival of the fittest with regards to Darwin or quality versus quantity; we need to approach the situation in an informed and educated state. Some say that the only civilized way to leave our great planet is with the assistance of palliative sedation and others argue that this is us playing God. The stewing of the ‘great death’ is one riddled with controversy and finality. But does this cross a line? Does going “home” exemplify the process of death? In the sense of “home” I am speaking in the context of dying and going back to our maker, God.

Does the nobility of dying grant peace or does it just grant a pardon from life?

I realize that death is inevitable but at what cost do we succumb or allow those that we love to succumb to the pressures brought on by the pain, the physicians, and the loved ones rallying around praying for a cure or an end?

In many aspects, I do not feel that my faith in religion is strong. At a young age, I lost my sibling and with that loss my family retreated into a shell and stopped teaching and affirming religion in our household. No more church services on Sundays, no more Christmas Eve services or Easter services. It all just came to a direct halt.

As an adult, I have followed in the footsteps of my disjointed family and allowed myself to ignore religion. I realize it was a choice but without a sense of the time that needed to be devoted to a particular religion, choosing a church and congregation, I really do not feel that I would have been able to make that choice on my own. As I have grown older I feel guilty that I have not chosen ‘my path’ of religion and hence decided that sleeping in on holidays and Sundays was the right choice for the particular day. I sometimes feel guilty for being selfish and find myself wanting to know if I really ‘want’ more or if my thoughts and feelings are just part of the normal construct of the beliefs of others.

Just my ramblings…


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