Connecting The Dots...Making Sense of It All...

You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever.

   -- Steve Jobs

Connecting the dots and making sense of it all seems like a daunting task; one that requires work and diligence and commitment.  I can look backward in my mind and find all my dots and see all of the times that I made the "connections" with my life through friends and love and experiences.  When we do something or say something, we trust that what we do or say will be heard and will be correct and at the time; I think that we just trust that what we do or say will take us further and hence, connect the dots to our future. 
Trusting in your gut and your emotions puts a high price on what the return will be, but it's the trust part that we have to depend upon to be true and correct; that everything will work out in the long run...or at least we hope it will work out...

All of us depend to an extent on trust even if we don't believe it or not. 
We all trust that people are going to stop at the red traffic light, we trust that our job will be there for us tomorrow, we trust that we will be happy with a good home cooked meal and companionship, we trust that God has a plan and we are part of it, we trust that our neighbors will help us when we need it, we trust that our friends will be there for us, we trust that our soul mate or husband or wife will not leave us, we trust that our car will start everyday, we trust that our home will be safe from intruders, we trust that our children and our animals will remain healthy and happy and live long lives and we trust that our friends and family will outlive us so that we do not have to shelter the burden of their loss alone; without them.

In my opinion, this is wrong.
We all tend to be selfish when it comes to trust  and we "trust" that trust will be there for us tomorrow and all of the times that we truly need it.  But really, it can't be there for us all of the time, can it?
We wish upon a star, but do we allow for the time needed when that star is not there?  Or do we think about the time it took for that star to be born?  Do we look past the twinkling and really wonder why we are here and where we are going?  That's trust and so many of us just allow it be the catalyst for what is to come, what is to be, what is to happen. What we think it should be for US.
Can we really live our lives and do this?
Can we "trust" that the stars will be up above and the soft grass below wriggling between our toes?
I can't answer that and it brings pain to my heart.  To my life.  To my relationship with my God and my feelings and my thoughts and I wonder why on earth is this life that I'm living so different today than it was yesterday and could I have made changes that would dictate where I was today if I had changed one thing yesterday or last year on October 15, 2010?

It all boils down to if I could change the world, re-connect the dots and make them all appear in perfect alignment, turn back the clock to last year could I have made some type of distinction and known that one year later things would be so different?

If I only had a crystal ball, maybe tonight I would peer into it and see that things really are not that bad, the dots are starting to connect for me on the good days and inside my crystal ball I can see a redhead inside a little heart shaped box who is grinning ear to ear.

Gratitude and Struggles

Sometimes we think of gratitude as a thank you or as a offer of thanks for something.
      It’s being grateful and thankful and interpretive and forever indebted.
      Some people experience  and give gratitude more than others.

Wikipedia defines Gratitude as:
“An emotion that occurs after people receive help, depending on how they interpret the situation. Specifically, gratitude is experienced if people perceive the help they receive as (a) valuable to them, (b) costly to their benefactor, and (c) given by the benefactor with benevolent intentions (rather than ulterior motives)”.

Of the many emotions such as affection, compassion, euphoria, hope, inspiration, kindness, love, sadness, optimism, and patience ….. they force us to delve into the past, present and future at both opportune and inopportune times in our lives.
Lately I have been having a problem finding my gratitude and gratefulness in my everyday life and in my future.  I know I should be grateful for my health, my love in my life and so many of the other things in my daily life that I take for granted. Lately it has been hard. I feel lost and frustrated and mad and angry at what life has offered up to me and what it has left me with since Di passed.  I don't have the "connections" with Di that kept me keeping on anymore and I've displaced my feelings into a small box that I just want to throw into the ocean and let the tide carry away.

Di's birthday is coming up very soon and it is taking everything in my soul and my being to not turn my back on the future and focus on the past; the past I had shared with Di and the memories that we made; those are what I am grateful for.  Struggling with not having her here to hug and bring a birthday card to is taking a toll on my feelings and my actions.  I miss her and I will miss her everyday and every year and every holiday and every moment that I turn my head and think a thought in my mind...that I so want to share with her.  Not anymore, never again will I be able to laugh with her or hear her laugh that tickled my inner soul.  

So, I'm looking for ways to bring the gratitude back into my life....
I found this awesome article Ways To Find Gratitute

Peace.
Love.
Cath

John Denver Oct 12, 1997 - 2010

I can almost remember the day like it was yesterday.
Di and I were studying for an abnormal psych exam in the dining room of Patty's house and in the background we had music playing and then the news came on and said that John Denver had died in a plane crash.  The two of us just looked at one another, unable to speak. We were both in shock.

We had that connection of Country Roads and Annie's Song and Rocky Mountain High.

Too soon, too sad and what a loss.
Now it's years later and today I listened to JD and recollected on that afternoon I spent with Di, remembering the important parts of my life, the days and dates that mark and put a tick in our memory and resonate forever. 

1 a Minute

Every 69 seconds, somewhere in the world, a woman dies of breast cancer. NCM Fathom and UniGlobe Entertainment have partnered to offer breast cancer survivors and supporters a moving and inspirational docu-drama, 1 a Minute, a LIVE One night event in over 500 theaters nationwide on October 6, 2010.

Written, produced and directed by Indo-American actress and breast cancer survivor Namrata Singh Gujral of Americanizing Shelley and Kaante and narrated by Kelly McGillis from Top Gun, 1 a Minute features a group of international superstar breast cancer survivors, including Olivia Newton-John, Melissa Etheridge and many others.

Mortality and all it's confusion

MORTALITY

"We should think more about it, and accustom ourselves to the thought of death. We can't allow the fear of death to creep up on us unexpectedly. We have to make the fear familiar, and one way is to write about it. I don't think writing and thinking about death is characteristic only of old men. I think that if people began thinking about death sooner, they'd make fewer foolish mistakes."

--Shostakovich

I don’t ever want time to pass by without recounting its importance.
Time ticks on the clock as hours, minutes and seconds race by us everyday.

Everything we say and do is an important milestone in our trek across the great divide of life.

People form the basis of our lives, our relationships, our contacts, and our foundation of whether it's important to get out of bed each morning and function or just lie there and stare at the ceiling hoping time will replay itself and everything will go away. Those people in our lives sometimes are the catalysts that compel us to move forward, move on, move away or just plain move.

It’s like building a house, you need your foundation to be strong to support your building for many years and a relationship is so similar to this type of infrastructure.

When speaking of mortality as humans we tend to get mushy and nostalgic and our emotions run high and sometimes overtake our actions. In the fairy tales that were read to us as children, nothing bad really ever happens, the prince gets the girl, the shoe fits and all evil doers are banished from kingdoms. Not such the case in real life. In real life, people hardly ever get what they want unless they win the lottery and then they blow all their money and end up homeless and penniless, our shoes are always tight, and the evil doers and crooks and thieves always tend to get off with just the slap of the hand.

I’m the glass is always half-empty girl, the pessimist, the one that is trying to look around the corner to see what bad things are coming my way. I find it hard to find the “good” in things sometimes…

Di always looked at the positive side; she found the “spin” to make those bad things at least manageable and she did it while smiling. She did it for those around her, those that she loved because it was the way that she operated.

What is the difference and distinction between fictitious and factual and good and malevolent and moral and immoral? Is it the realization that we have lived to the fullest extent of our human life in preparation for the next level. What is the next level or next great feat that we must prepare for in terms of human understanding? Or is it the justification that our time has come, our body is tired and worn and decrepit? What is the justification, the pay off, that one final, last dance?

For everything and everyone there is a season (I think this was a song from the 70’s proclaiming this prophecy and also proclaiming that for everything and everyone there is a reason - Di would know the name of it I'm sure). Why do we force the reasoning of others and ourselves into the thoughts of ourselves and others? Would we live much more peaceful if there were never forced thoughts or forced consequences for our actions? Or would we falter and unwillingly turn the other cheek and just move on and miss out on a part of our memories?

I remember taking philosophy so many years ago and talking with Di about the reasoning and whys and why not’s of why we all philosophically “do” something. Her answer was always close to what I knew it would be; the same answer I always came up with too….”everything happens for a reason, Cath”.
I have lived my life for as long as I can remember like a locked person in a glass house peering out, watching, waiting and wondering when my break out would happen. I was sheltered and kept a prisoner in my own home after Nancy died. I would tour the dark halls at night alone peering into the shrine of my beloved sister that held pristine sheets you could bounce a quarter off, windows decorated with cotton- candy- colored frilly curtains freshly pressed and cleaned weekly. Her bed was lined from top to bottom with her stuffed animals, her dolls and her jewelry box with the little ballerina ready at a whim to dance all sat perched above the bed on a shelf. In her closet, the bar had been lowered to her height and it was lined with dresses and shoes with black buckles and purses hanging in wait for the next great adventure. It smelled so fresh in the closet; her clothes were washed more than once a week and still smelled like fabric softener. The Candy Land game sat alone on top of her bureau and all of her brightly colored beads were hanging from the bedpost finials of her tiny white washed twin bed posts. Her sunbonnet was perched on her pillow just waiting for her to snatch it up and plop it on her head. No one had lived in that room for months but it was the same as it was the day that she left for good to visit the hospital and it remained that way for years.

I found a wonderful quote from Morrie Schwartz, in the book that Mitch Albom wrote about his experience with Morrie in his Tuesday’s with Morrie book that really sums it all up; life, death, mortality…

It's natural to die. The fact that we make such a big hullabaloo over it all is because we don't see ourselves as part of nature. We think because we're human we're something above nature. We're not. Everything that gets born, dies. Do you accept that?

All right. Now here's the payoff. Here is how we are different from those wonderful plants and animals. As long as we can love each other, and remember the feeling of love we had, we can die without ever really going away. All the love you created is still there. All the memories are still there. You live on--in the hearts of everyone you have touched and nurtured while you were here.


Death ends a life, not a relationship.

Well said......
Peace.
Love.
Good thoughts your way - everyday for an eternity and longer.

Constellation: Di Brich | Stand Up To Cancer

Cancer is insidious and it knows no boundaries. SU2C was created as a bridge to gap the inadequacies that are currently seen in the fight against all cancers. It is a "place" for those to retreat to and build courage, trust and the added zing needed in the fight against cancer with donations going directly to research. Too many people have been lost to cancer and without the proper funding and channeling of those funds it will continue to wreak havoc on the lives and the lives of the families of those that suffer from cancer. That is the purpose of SU2C.


Di was a blessing to me and her life was cut short because of this awful disease.

View Di's star below and donate in her memory if you are able to.  We need to take a stand against cancer.

Stand Up To Cancer - TUNE IN ON SEPTEMBER 10

SU2C has a wonderful area where you can donate and then name a star for someone.

Check out this link for Di's star!

Constellation: Di Brich Stand Up To Cancer

It's a lovely way to honor someone who touched your heart...

Peace.

Cath

Survival and A Broken Heart

"Things don't go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be."

                                                                                                     Charles "Tremendous" Jones

I think that this quote exemplifies to give us strength to move forward and onward and to push towards our goals.  However, I in no way will ever be "healed" from the loss of Di.  I think that are parts of our soul, our brains and our bodies that find ways to cover up the devastating parts of our lives and package them deep within to allow us to move forward.  I think this is what we call memories.  Memories and what we remember as memories are usually happy times in the colloquial sense but nonetheless, we also have those painful memories that force us to whip back into the dark spaces of our thoughts and imagination and recollections.  But, we have to find a way to survive after loss.

Don't get me wrong, I have good memories of Di, but there is that painful place that I can see myself sitting on an empty bench with tears in my eyes, grieving.  I think that the good memories take turns with those sorrowful and sad memories on a continual basis.  Change, flick, fade to black, resurface, click all in a loop that sometimes it is hard to shut my eyes for fear that I will experience the loss all over again.

For years, I worked with traumatic brain injury survivors who delegate their days based on their injury.  Some survivors experience short term memory loss and others experience long term memory loss.  The most common loss with these survivors is short term memory loss and it is brutal and unnerving most of the time for them.  Their mind continually 'replays' their last thoughts, actions and spoken words which forces them to repeat their lives over and over again.  But, they are survivors.
I believe that this is how our minds process death, we go over and over and over again the loss, the despair, the memories, the reminders, the smiles, the hugs, the tears and the rememberance of those that we have lost.  It replays like a broken record and takes us 'back' to the place our mind was at when it all happened. 
If only there were a switch that we could turn off, go back to normal like it was before the loss occurred...

My heart is still broken from the loss of Di...

Today Is Di's Day

Today we place another tick on the calendar, another date we etch into our memory and give thanks, share love and hugs and tears with those that all hold a common bond of love for Di.

We all loved Di so much and after months the time has come to bid the final farewell to Di.

Words and song and praise bring us full circle at the place that Jerome and the kids picked specially for such a special woman, wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend.

I knew the day would be hard but I didn't imagine that I could stand next to the area that was chosen for Di and look up the hill and see Lullaby Land; so close to where I stood 35 years ago as a child and bid farewell to my only sister. 

Time and fate and chance and destiny and coincidence all play a role in our lives and I think they all intersected today in this one place at this one time while we were performing this one important and poignant act. 

The formality of Di's funeral was epic and the interment was informal and blessed with words and holy water, heartfelt thoughts, prayers and song by Jerome and Em. 

I read a short set of words that I put together this morning and even with my sometimes overpowering and loud voice, I found my voice cracking and low while the tears welled in my eyes.  It was hard but I needed to say these things.  I did not speak at her funeral; I think I was still too raw and very intimidated by the enormous amount of people in attendance and I just didn't know what I would say; how I would say something...anything...without fumbling over my words.

The words that I spoke at the interment were:

As I drank my first cup of coffee today, I thought of Di, just like I do every day. She is in my thoughts, in my actions and in my heart always. Di found a place in each and every one of our hearts and she will remain there as long as we never forget to laugh and enjoy the memories of the past while we move forward and live our lives just as she would have wanted us all to do. All the love that Di created is still here with us all and it is comforting for me to know that she made such an indelible impact on so many people in the short time that she shared her love and her life with all of us.

Today is Di’s day.

We take time out of our busy schedules, our confusing lives and all of the demands that we have to acknowledge that for all of those years after Di’s diagnosis she made time everyday and in every way for each and every one of us.

Of course Di probably would have said something like this is not the party that she had planned but I’m sure that she’s been dancing her toes off in heaven and there has been many times that God has told her that she has to let Him talk sometimes too. Today marks the day that there is finally another place in our world for Di; a place for us to all remember, recollect and share our thoughts our dreams and our memories privately and personally.

A quote from one of Di’s favorite places, StoryPeople that I found that exemplifies my feelings is:

I carry you with me into the world,

into the smell of rain

and the words that dance between people

and for me, it will always be this way,

walking in the light,

remembering being alive together.

The importance of people in our lives over the years and the impact that they have caused the day that they crashed into our lives and changed them forever is something that we should never forget.

I will never forget Di.

I believe that I can finally let my heart whisper....Godspeed Di.

But I still miss her and still grieve the loss and I still cry everyday.

Good Days and Bad Days and THE DATE

Everyday I miss Di.
I have good days and I have bad days and I have very bad days.

Some days it's the physical trials and tribulations that stop me like a deer in the road and make me shudder.  It can make me stop in my tracks, and it takes my breath away and I feel like I'm hyperventilating as the tears well up in my eyes and my heart feels like it's beating a million miles an hour or more.

This doesn't happen all the time but it happens. 

It doesn't happen as much as it used to but it still happens nonetheless. 

But, the pain of loss is not related to only the physical type; it's also the mental anguish of the loss and the burden of the loss on our psyche.  The utilization of  subjective emotional experience when looking at death and the traumatic upheaveal of it forces us to delve into arenas in our brain that sometimes are unequipped or unable to cope. 

Mentally, I have 'triggers' that knock me back and I find that it happens often times when I look at the calendar no matter where it's at - home, work, my computer, my scheduler; anything that has a calendar on it takes my mind back to THE DATE.  The mental emotional draw of losing Di is a constant blip on my radar.  

It's hard to go through life without a calendar; we are all so reliant on dates.
Can you live your life in hours and not dates and still function correctly and fully?  

The reason I felt compelled to write about this is because I don't think that people talk about grief and loss enough.  Maybe people are ashamed to cry in front of others, in public.  Maybe this is why grief is confined to the dark places in our lives and people don't show their sadness outwardly as often as they should.  The saying "wearing your heart on your sleeve" is a very powerful one and I think it's abused more than it's used.  People grieve for years, for decades and for their entire lives.   

You never stop missing someone that you really loved.  Someone who made you feel good with just a look or a smile is so very powerful and important.  How many people in your life do you really cherish you and how much will you hurt when they are gone?  Think about it.  It's integral to our psyche that we 'have' those people in our lives that make what we're doing worth it all. 
I will always grieve this loss.  But, I am blessed to have Di's loss to grieve because having this loss means that all those moments, those years, those 'things', those hugs, those talks, those questions and those answers were all worth it for me.
The poet, Alice Walker has a book entitled Absolute Trust in the Goodness of the Earth: New Poems and in it she writes about how the powers of love and acceptance within grief are the same "As Gold".  It's true. 

Life and loss is Gold, it's a treasure, it's a prize, it's something that we should never take for granted and we should clench it tight in our grips and know that we are the lucky ones who have the power to hold this "gold" when we experience loss.

This is written on the cusp of Di's interment service. 
We will all finally have a "place" and Di will have another "place".
Amen.
Cathy

9 MONTH TAB IN TIME...August 15, 2010

The total number of days between Sunday, November 15th, 2009 and Sunday, August 15th, 2010 is 273 days.
This is equal to exactly 9 months.

The total time span from 2009-11-15 to 2010-08-15 is 6,552 hours.

This is equivalent to 393,120 minutes.

I miss her so very much.
We all miss her so very much.
Time has a way of passing by quickly and in my haste, I lost track of time and did not post this on
8-15-2010, as I had intended.

A smile for Di, a hug for Di, a kiss to the heavens for my girl. 

Love you much and only wish time was not our enemy most days...

Painful Haircut

A haircut should not be painful but for me, it's a painstaking process.
For so many years, Di cut my hair; she was my "hair girl" and that bond that we had was special and priceless and important in every aspect of every facet of it.  She tested on me, changed my color several times, changed the style and actually took me from very long hair to below my shoulder with a lot of resistance from me and even talked me into being a 'willing' participant in a hair show many years ago.

The only time that I can remember being upset with Di over all the years that I was proud to call her my friend was the one time that she cut over 10 inches off my hair and colored it very dark.  I sort of freaked out when I saw it and promptly left the salon to go home.  After I was home, I realized how stupid I was in acting child-like when I thought I saw someone different in the mirror than what I was used to.  So, I put myself together, flew to Di's and found her and Jerome in the basement hanging out; Jerome was playing guitar and he and Di were smoking cigs and talking.  I immediately hugged her and told her that I was so sorry that I acted like a child and that the change that she had set forth for me literally shocked me.  She understood.  She forgave me.  She always understood.  Then we laughed about how dumb I acted and we drank some coffee and hung out until the wee hours of the morning.  Those were the days.  No 'real' cares in the world, hanging out with music and good friends.  Oh how I miss those days....

I finally brought myself to go and visit my 'new' hair girl yesterday. 
It had been a little less than 9 months since I was last there and that was a very difficult time.
Back in 2007, I had to find a 'new' hair girl because I could see that it was really tiring Di out when she had to cut and color my hair and I just did not want to push her anymore.  That was very hard.  I know that it really hurt Di too.  It hurt her that she could no longer do this for me.  I told her I understood.  She knew that I understood and together we both mourned the loss but knew that it was for the best. 
For a girl, your hair girl is your woman that you count on to make you beautiful, talk to about virtually anything and everything and be the one that you can count on to tell you if you look horrible or beautiful; she is the holder of the golden scissors; the God of Hair; that was Di. 


9 months ago I called and made an appointment to get my hair 'done' for Di's funeral.
I think I just sat in the chair and cried the entire time; I didn't even watch it being cut; I just wanted it short - like Di would have liked it.  When I was done, my hair girl would not let me pay her, she said it was on her, she wanted me to look good for Di.  I think her heart was broken too since I had shared so much of Di with her over the past 3 years.  The first thing that would come out of her mouth after I would show up for an appointment would be "How's Di?"  And then we would chat about her for a bit and I'd tell her latest and then we would move on to other girl talk items.

8-9-10

Today marks the birthday of my sister, Nancy. 

It has been 35 years since she passed away.

I have fond memories of Nancy that take me back to when I was young.

Music was an integral part of Di's life and I remember Nancy and how much she loved her music.  I can still see her holding her arms up high in praise in the front pew of the church singing Jesus Loves Me at the top of her lungs.  What magnificience my parents missed out on.  They never went to Sunday services; it was me that escorted Nancy to services at our church two blocks from our house.  A yellow polka dotted sundress adorned with three cherries embroidered on the hem was her favorite "Sunday" dress.  She wore those little socks with lace on them and her polished shiny white mary janes. And when she was feeling good, she'd skip ahead of me and I sometimes would hear her heels as they clicked against the pavement and in between the clicks you could hear her humming as her little purse swung back and forth as it fought to find a stable place on her ever-moving forearm as her sun hat bobbed up and down.  When she was not feeling the best, she would still insist on going to church.  She had that drive like Di, that perserverence that could not keep her down.

Di and Nancy would have gotten along fancifully; in fact, I probably would have been the third wheel if they would have ever met.  But, time and place and people and life pave our paths and if my life was nill of Nancy's death, I'm sure that things would have been very different in my life and of course in hers.

Today I celebrate Nancy's Birthday and the joy that she brought to me during her short 7 years here.

I'm sure she's singing to everyone and her bright blue eyes light up every time she giggles with God.

Nancy.
A life.
A sister.
A daughter.
Missed dearly.
Missed memories.
Missed sister bonds over a lifetime.

It has been many years since I lost my sister. Time has passed, memories fade but still remain etched in my brain. "Our Little Sunshine" shines on her headstone. A life cut short too soon. Left-handed wonder with a purple crayon that wrote from the right side of the page to the left side of the page. Amazing talent. Amazing grace. Amazing stamina. Amazing strength. Amazing faith.

Here's to knowing that there are two special angels up there watching over me each and every day...

Landscape of The Heart...

It is still so new & all we see is the empty space, but that is not how it is in the landscape of the heart. There, there is no empty space & she still laughs & grapples with ideas & plans & nods wisely with each of us in turn. We are proud to have known her. We are proud to have called her friend.

First Sunday In August - Friendship Day

The United States Congress, in 1935, proclaimed first Sunday of August as the National Friendship Day. Since then, celebration of National Friendship Day became an annual event. The noble idea of honoring the beautiful relationship of friendship caught on with the people and soon Friendship Day became a hugely popular festival.

Friends are important, they keep us keeping on, they share, they listen, they laugh, they cry and they are the ones that we turn to under any and all circumstances and they keep us grounded. I don't think that friends really know their importance in our lives until we lose them either by unforseen circumstances or lose connection with them over time. 

Di was one of my closest and dearest friends and there are days that I wish to hear her voice and want to call her and emotionally sometimes it's hard to fathom that she is really no longer there for me and for her other friends that counted on her for so very much. 

I honor this day with the memory of my good friend, Di.

One quote that caught my attention was:

" Two may talk together under the same roof for many years, yet never really meet; and two others at first speech are old friends. "     - Mary Catherwood

                                                                                                                    

The GLAM

One of the things that Di was known for, loved and immersed herself in was fashion.  She was the queen of the scissors, the style, the encylopedia of the do's and dont's when it came to the latest trend. 
I absolutely LOVE this photo of Di.  Isn't she the glam of glam?  The total 80's cutting-edge wanna-have-that-look-can-you-give-me-that-look.......

Di, you were a trendsetter.......

Kindred Spirits

Living, Loving, Experiencing, Knowing, Caring...It is a Determined Destiny

It’s all about that; being and knowing and accepting and willing to bring yourself to know and understand that among the chaos that is life you know what’s real and genuine and honest and you can read between the lines and pick the weeds out of your garden of life and keep those beautiful flowers sheltered from the elements....

Knowing who is important rather than what is important is integral to living a whole life. I’m thinking that I’m not there yet; but I had a great start and a great pal through the many years I had been given to spend with Di. I lost my kindred spirit; we all lost a kindred spirit that day in November...

Storypeople.com

According to the 'Urban Dictionary'  kindred spirits are defined as:

Two people that make a special connection by sharing a bond that

has joined them by the means of an experience that has drawn

them together on a higher level of consciousness. This connection

can be from the same experience at the same time or two separate

experiences similar in nature.

Other examples of kindred spirits can be:

      If two people were in a dramatic situation and had to depend on each other in order to get out of the situation or one had to help rescue the other, they would become bonded as kindred spirits. Or two people will meet for the first time or again and a bond is formed through an understanding of what the other had been through and with this, they have become kindred spirits.

 

Another way to look at kindred spirits in my life path with Di is with the soulmate that I have chosen to spend my life with.  Destiny and forthrightness played a huge part in the path that my life took when I met Ken.

There is a quote that I’m fond of that I’m sure that Di was found of too because she sent me the email many years ago from the Story People website:

You're the strangest person I ever met, she said; I said you too; so we decided we'd know each other a long time.

This is exactly who, what and why I loved Di so much. She shared and she gave and she always worked so hard to surround herself with people that she loved and who loved her. She made room for kindred spirits in her life. The perfect summation of a perfect friend, a kindred spirit in kind with me and the world. And she would always call me a weirdo for no reason whatsoever; just because she could....

I think alot of people that knew Di felt that kindred spirit vibe, especially those crazy women that created the
Ya Ya's with their vibrant hats, their crazy gatherings and their fanciful laughter and their unconditional love....just for Di.

Smiles

That smile is what I remember the most.

The Calm After The Storm - The Beauty That Surrounds Us

This is the shot I grabbed right as the sun was at it's brightest

The other day, we had a furious storm that blanketed our lives that first began with a violently hot and humid day with temperatures in the high 90's and heat indexes reaching 110 +.
It was a day that started hot, progressed through the day with increasing humidity and then a bang of storms with wind shears of sometimes 70-80 mph and rain and hail.  No tornados, thankfully but sirens blaring announcing the introduction of high winds coupled with heavy rains that lasted for hours among the dark and ominious skies that were lit only by the intense lightning show.
 
When I finally arrived home, the rain had subsided to a calm, steady fine mist, the clouds and dark skies changed quickly to open up and the sun enveloped the world in bright blinding oranges and red hues which provided an amazing view.  I noticed as the sun was welcomed in it brought with it a beautiful rainbow that appeared as a double rainbow and then prominently displayed itself as the magnificent beauty of a single rainbow stream that was able to be viewed from one side to the other.
I quickly ran and grabbed my camera and darted through the rain soaked grass to grab a few shots of the wonderment of nature and all that it gives us each and every day.  The rainbow was so large and view was just a speck of the rainbow but I managed to get some good shots.

This was taken after the sun calmed and left the beauty of a magnificent rainbow, nature's bounty at it's finest

When I see rainbows, I think about Di. 
There is not much these days that doesn't reminid me of her though...
My life will never be the same and the bad days seem to be very bad and the good days are good, but it's hard sometimes to pull the 'really good' out of those good days. 

Of all the years that we drove together to classes, sat in parking lots waiting for parking spaces and wandered the campus together, the Arts Building was one of our favorites.  One semester, a class was doing advanced printmaking and one student did an entire collection on rainbows.  Di loved that collection, her eyes lit up and she had that crazy little giggle as we looked over the collection. 

A few weeks later, we were sitting in my car, waiting again for a parking space in the lot and there had been a tremendous thunderstorm and as the storm cleared, a rainbow appeared.  Di and I always talked and sometimes we had crazy conversations about many silly things.  We started talking about the pot 'o gold that might be at the end of that particular rainbow (we could only see one part of it), and I told her that I would give anything up to go and fetch that pot 'o gold for her and she told me that I'd have to keep half of it....always Di, always thinking of others, always offering her little 'piece of the pie' and her part of the pot 'o gold to someone else.

A rainbow for Di; even though I'm sure that she has already found that pot 'o gold and she has already shared it with everyone she has met.........along with that crazy little giggle and her big smile.

Post Freedom Day

I have memories of all of the holidays that bring me back to Di.

The Fourth of July is one of those memorable holidays for me with Di and her family. 

Many years ago Di invited me to come with her and Jerome and the kids to her brother's house in Keystone to celebrate the 4th.  It was the first time in a very long time that I had been among so many people who were related and loved being a family. 

When I was younger, we used to make monthly trips to see family and on holidays when the entire gang got together and it was a bustle of people and faces and loudness. Over the years  those trips stopped and I became accustomed to small gatherings with friends.

 On that July 4th day, I was introduced to all of Di's family including her crazy brothers who taunted me and teased me. It was an overwhelming day, but it was a good day. I was officially introduced to Di's side of the family with a "bang" on the 4th.

On this post-fouth of July (July 5th), I am remembering, recounting and refreshing my thoughts knowing that the politically correct "version" of the reason for July 4 is our country's independence but in the back of mind I know that Di gained freedom at last and I celebrate that....for Her....and for me.....

I know that somewhere up high in those clouds in one of the twinkling sparkling vibrant  magnificent shows of light and fire on the eve of the 4th Di was smiling at me and I'm sure that I caught a little piece of her when I danced in the light among the stars taking photographs last night....or at least I hope in my heart she was....

Peace.

Love.

Freedom.

A Rant ... A Rave ... A Prayer

“A Prayer”

the difference between a rant and a prayer lies only in the position and delivery

Raising yourself to the skies facing either the biggest laugh

or the only great eye

Hands up and open in surrender or supplication or fisted in the fiercest demand

the voice modulated between a thick strangle and the soft, humble hang time of pleading

Personally, I prefer prayer

It’s not that I know someone is up there

It’s that I can’t bear to think that there’s not

Prayer is the knot at the end of the rope that keeps us from finally falling.

Prayer is the small tug at the end of the robe of a myth that always stands at your shoulder

with it’s comforting color and it’s irritating politics

Prayer is small and tentative and set against the whispering background of hope

and so we pray...

I won’t kneel, that will bring me closer to what defeats me now.

I won’t bow, because I can’t cower in the face of a question

But I can ask and hear my plea flood the air

and take comfort in the fact that I still have the strength to want

I am so tired, cliches about weight aside

the world has nested on my shoulders for a long winter’s nap

my life follows the coldest road, dark and indifferent

and quite happy to roll on without me

And sometimes it seems that I’m the only rider and that rests in me so heavily

I can only sit down and hope for a deep breath

You, who know the true meaning of the word beyond

You, who holds the lives of so many in your strange justice

You, who promise this life will be justified, send some of that folkie old narcotic this way, can’t ya?

And let me stand back a while

I ask for peace

I ask for patience

I ask for health

I ask for beauty

I ask for company

I ask for love

Amen,

Omen,

Whatever...

By Lisa Buscani

Lisa Buscani got her start in Chicago's performance poetry scene and ultimately became a National Poetry Slam Champion as well as a Pushcart Prize nominee. She has published one book of poetry, Jangle (Tia Chucha Press) and has produced three critically and publicly acclaimed solo shows, Carnivale Animale, At That Time, and Solid Citizen.

She has been featured in poetry anthologies such as Alive from the NuYorican Poets Café (Holt) and Word Up (Keyporter Books/EMI). She has appeared on HBO, CNN, PBS, Much Music and NPR. She is currently the executive director of The Poetry Center of Chicago.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u8sGXNJyiWM

A Treasured Pearl

"A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl." --Stephan Hoeller



Cherish all the oysters in your life; they hold the pearls to your happiness...

The Bell Jar - Muse and Wants

Novel The Bell Jar. Published in the early 1960s, shows the book’s bright college-aged protagonist envisions her future life choices — motherhood, career, travel — as plump figs on a tree. She can’t choose among these inviting figs and so she’s paralyzed:
“I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest ...... ...... "
I have always been a reader of Sylvia Plath's works and always find that the insight she had with her words spoke to many in so many different ways. 

This chapter excerpt always reminded me of Di because she always wanted everything and never wanted to just choose one thing.  So, instead, she spread herself all around so that everyone could have a little piece of her.

I still hold that piece of her in my heart and in my soul and will forever and a day beyond...

Cath

World Oceans Day

Today, June 8, 2010 is World Oceans Day.

Recognize the importance of it's sustainability in your everyday life.  

http://news.discovery.com/earth/oceans-day-slide-show.html

Full House Full Hearts

I attended Chloe's graduation party and the house was full and standing room only for most of the afternoon, filled with family and friends wishing good luck and safe travels on the road of life.  Being in the house again, hearing laughter and knowing that this is exactly what Di would have wanted for her last grad made my heart feel full and tempered my soul. 

A poem about loss and the greatness of who the people are that carry on the love of those we have lost was chosen and is reflected and worn proudly by this special grad for today and always.

A spirit that has always from the time she was young paved her own road and made her own choices, chose to keep her mom close with words and a flower; two of the many things that Di loved...her garden of flowers and her fruitful gift of gab...

Gone From My Sight

I am standing upon the seashore.

A ship at my side spreads her white

sails to the morning breeze and starts

for the blue ocean.

She is an object of beauty and strength.

I stand and watch her until at length

she hangs like a speck of white cloud

just where the sea and sky come

to mingle with each other.

Then, someone at my side says;

"There, she is gone!"

"Gone where?"

Gone from my sight. That is all.

She is just as large in mast and hull

and spar as she was when she left my side

and she is just as able to bear her

load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me, not in her.

And just at the moment when someone

at my side says, "There, she is gone!"

There are other eyes watching her coming,

and other voices ready to take up the glad

shout;

"Here she comes!"

And that is dying.

by Henry Van Dyke, a 19th Century clergyman, educator, poet, and religious writer

Poppies are symbolic of eternal life and beauty. 
What a fitting tribute for Di.

The Future and A Very Special Angel

A very special angel is magically and faithfully watching over her family today and placing a special emphasis on her youngest  who celebrates her day of graduation. 

Today marks the end of one segment and the beginning of a brand new phase for Chloe.  What the future brings is unknown to us but what I know is that over the years Di imparted her love, wisdom and grace upon her children to live fully and prosper with kindness, faith and soulfulness. 

Over the years I was in awe at the directions that Di and Jerome taught their children.  There was honesty and openness and always eloquent love. Sometimes it was quiet, hushed or unspoken love and other times it was loud and unrelentless love, but it was always love. It could be counted on.  And it was always there whenever anyone needed a little piece of it.  Always.
The journey of your life Chloe will be rich with the past experiences you have had and fostered with the values and the love that your mother and your family have bestowed upon you for generations to come.

Love you much Chloe

Just wish your mom's wish would have come true and she could be there for this day to make it extra special for her Chloe girl! My heart is with you today and as you move forward with your life remember to keep her memory tucked tightly in your heart and you will never lose your way.

Cath

6 Month Tab In Time...

182.621099 days

without hearing that contagious laugh 

seeing those blue eyes light up

and feeling the warmth of a Di hug.

People say things like "I can't believe that it's been that long already."  "Where has the time gone?" 
Believe me, I can feel every tick on the clock, every day that adds up to another and the quickness of how it all slips by too fast to soak it all up at once.

Time for me moves too quickly, but in relevance, time is a metaphor for a commodity that we all value for many different reasons. Time is limited, can be shared, communicated, rationalized and can be used to set goals and attain success.  Conceptualization of time is a journey of mental formulation within our own pieces, parts, thoughts, hopes, wishes and dreams.

For me, time at this point, is just another tick on the clock, another step back in the past to pull out the memories that I have lodged in my heart and my soul and my brain.The place that I stepped back into over 6 months ago is a a place that I have forever in my memory of the time that we all still had Di and still had the hopes, the wishes and the dreams of a future.  I still haven't stepped out of that place but every once in awhile I put my tippy toes out there and crick my neck to see if I can see what the future holds. Twice I have been to Di's since she left and I can feel both the emptiness and also the love that still exists in the confines of those house walls. 

I never had the chance to tell Di, to thank Di for the time that she invested in our friendship and the love that she afforded me over the years.  She was always there for me, always made time for me even if she had something else on her calendar of the day.  She made the connection of the conceptualization of time and the importance of it for everyone that was touched by her warmth, generosity and beauty of her soul.

For the first time since we lost Di, I dreamt about her last night.
She was smiling at the dining room table, Jerome, Em, Ben and Chloe and me were all there and she looked beautiful.  We were drinking coffee and discussing talking about the upcoming graduation for Chloe.  Di still had her radiant red hair, her beautiful brilliant smile and she was wearing a blue polo shirt and a pair of capri "skinny" jeans.  I asked her what happened since she looked so skinny and she told me that all the hard work has paid off, she finally lost the weight and then she asked me "what happened to you, Cath?  Why have you gained so much weight?"  I could only tell her that I didn't know why but in the back of mind I remember thinking that since I lost Di I've just went in all different directions and just let things "go".  I remember not telling her these things because I didn't want the dream to end because it felt so real being at her house in the yellow dining room sitting around the table soaking in all of the lines of the walls, the colors and vibrant conversations floating above us all.  It all felt so real.  Until I woke up to the sound of the birds chirping outside my window at 5 a.m. and the cats meowing for their breakfast.  Dammitt.

I have often thought about and mentioned signs of Di in my life and hopefully this dream was the first of many signs and thoughts and feelings that will take me through my years.  I think this was a sign in some
non-descript way, because this is the mark in time that cements 6 months since our loss and this is the first time that I have had any dreams with Di in them. 

I love YOU Di.
I miss YOU Di.
Thank YOU Di

I hope that God is allowing you to share your time and joy and love and warm hugs with everyone, I sure could use one today, from you, though.

Cath

Just Chillin'

I can picture Di sitting here; just chillin' taking in the warm breeze on an early morning and drinking a cup of coffee....The perfect place for her...

Mother's Day 2010

Happy Mother's Day to all Mothers; especially to Di's mom, to Jerome's mom and all of the mother figures that make it easier for all of us to get through the tough times in life.

Wish I could bring back Di for one more mother's day to have a fantastic celebration with Jerome and the kids; I'm sure that Em would head to Souq to get Di something amazing and well thought out and there would be dinner at a favorite place or even a big get together with the entire brood of families just to celebrate those special women in our lives that make each day even brighter with their smiles, their words, their hugs, their love and their strength to move through every day with grace and dignity.

Over the years I bought Di mother's day cards because she felt like my mom when she waved her finger at me and told me to behave or gave me "that look" when she didn't approve of something I said or did and she also felt like a sister to me when I could tell her anything and know that she would not condem or judge me but instead would offer kind words, comfort and love when she knew I needed it most. 

"Mothers hold their children's hands for a short while, but their hearts forever." - Unknown

Happy Mother's Day